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Subject: Improving the Grand Old Game (satire)
Posted by: Gangman
- Leader [36155210] Tue, Jun 03, 2003, 16:05
Improving the Grand Old Game
By Mark Green copyright 2003
As the Questec Electronic Strike Zone
Interpreter has clearly demonstrated, the one
thing that is killing Baseball is, drumroll
please, nuance. (for the uninitiated, nuance is
Inside Baseball for "cheating")
How can anyone in a technologically
advanced society expect to sit back and watch
a dreadful "sport" that can't even have a clearly
defined set of rules, thereby insuring absolute
fairness, which after all is the whole point of
the Game.
In keeping with this new drive to eliminate
nuance, and therefore radically improve what
is obviously an inferior product, I've come up
with more ideas that should assist in the
salvaging of the once "National Pastime".
(Note: It's no wonder that Pro Football has
replaced MLB in this capacity, all of the fields
are the same dimension and they have instant
replay.... it's a no brainer)
Idea One: Remove the home plate umpire
altogether. He really serves no useful
purpose, unless you consider calling "balls"
outside the clearly defined strike zone
"strikes" from time to time useful. Replace
him with a Questec that beeps for a strike
and buzzes for a ball. Any close plays at the
plate can easily, and more accurately be
called using replay. There's a cost savings
there as well. In fact, all umpires annoy me
anyway. Yer' outta here!!
Idea Two: Finally standardize the dimensions
and conditions of the ballparks. It's ridiculous
that in this day and age we can't agree on
what size a field is. All parks should be exactly
the same size, and ideally would all be domes
with an indoor temperature of 72 degrees and
a 1MPH wind in all directions, with artificial
turf. In other words, the Houston Astrodome
(the only perfect Baseball facility ever). One
caveat: The Dome was way too big to facilitate
today's game, where a premium is put on
hitting. Dimensions should be 310' down the
lines, 330' "power alleys" and 385' to dead
center. And what's with the ivy?
Idea three: Eliminate fans. They tend to cheer
excessively for one team, and have been know
the actually reach out and touch a ball in play.
Technology would allow us to insert 3D
holographic images of a full stadium for
television, and the home team could be given
a 60-40 sound ratio for the amplified cheering,
thereby preserving the "homefield" advantage.
Think of the nuance that we could eliminate!
Idea Four: Implement a "pitch clock" similar to
basketball (another superior sport... same
dimensions of every court... helllooo,
baseball). Pitchers would have to throw it
every 15 seconds or so and if he was late, it's
a ball. If the batter isn't ready, it's an automatic
strike. This would speed things up, and
eliminate another inequity: why should a batter
be able to step out? It's totally unfair, and
should have a rule with a clock and
standardization.
Idea Five: Make all nine positions eligible for a
DH (in both leagues). Really, what's the point
in watching Cesar Izturis bat? Hire some real
hitters that know the strike zone, and can
mash!
There. I'm sure there are more ways that we
can improve on the game, but these are a
good start. If baseball keeps trying, it might
just reach another level of technological
putiry, thereby insuring that no cheaters like
Greg Maddux or Curt Schilling will ever do that
again. Who in their right mind would want to
see those bums pitch, anyway? |
| 1 | Carl Everett
ID: 412281014
Tue, Jun 03, 2003, 16:35
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Get rid of the stupid batters box.
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| 2 | Chuck
Donor
ID: 412281014
Tue, Jun 03, 2003, 16:35
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And why not the coach's boxes, too.
I realize this is in response to the other Questeck thread, but you didn't need to post it twice... ;)
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| 4 | Chuck
Donor
ID: 571132017
Tue, Jun 03, 2003, 16:38
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Wow... there was some kooky stuff going on with this thread. Pretty impressive since I only posted in the other one until now. :)
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| 5 | Gangman
Leader
ID: 36155210
Tue, Jun 03, 2003, 17:08
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Spooky....
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| 6 | Gangman
Leader
ID: 36155210
Tue, Jun 03, 2003, 17:11
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Self edited the phantom thread... not posted
twice, but magically appeared.
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