Carl's Quick Stop

Pete the Head Supervisor.....Phil Hartman
Carl the Manager.....George Steinbrenner
Steve.....Kevin Nealon
Hungover Employee.....Chris Farley

Pete the Head Supervisor at Carl's Quick-Stop is disgusted by the increasing number of employees who aren't performing their jobs, so he decided to address the issue with Carl the manager.


Pete: It's about Steve. He's not working out.

Carl: Well, what should we do? Do you think I should talk to him again?

Pete: No, Carl.. I think it's time you let him go.

Carl: You mean, fire him?

Pete: I don't think you have a choice. He's not doing his job, he doesn't show up half the time, and when he does he's rude to the customers.

Carl: Geez, it just seems firing so extreme. How about if we just give him a warning? A warning can be very effective, you know?

Pete: Carl, this can't continue! You've got twenty people on the payroll, and only five real jobs. Three employees are out there operating a cash register. You've got to start somewhere! I'll go get him. [ exits office ]

Carl: [ alone, worried ] How? How do you fire a man? How do you look in his eye and tell him he's no longer needed? Who am I to judge another man?

[ Pete returns to the office with Steve, who's dressed sloppily, eating potato chips and listening to a Walkman ]

Steve: You wanted to see me, Sir?

Carl: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I did. [ Pete asks Steve to take his headphones off, as Carl struggles for the right thing to say ] Steve, I think it's just.. that your performance has been.. Pete said that, uh.. well.. well, uh.. how do you think you're doing here?

Steve: Hmm.. I don't know. I kinda like it.

Carl: Well, that's good! That's good! That's important.

Steve: Well, is there anything else?

Carl: No.. That's it, I.. I.. you know, I just wanted to say Hi.

Steve: Oh. Okay. Alright.

Carl: You take care. Goodbye. [ Steve exits ]

Pete: [ upset ] Carl!

Carl: It's just I can't.. I can't fire people, it's not in my nature.

Pete: You can't keep saying that. If an employee isn't delivering what you expect of them, you have to fire them!

Carl: Why? Where is it written if you don't get results right away, you fire people? What kind of asinine policy is that?

Pete: Carl! It's just good business!

Carl: That's where you're wrong! It's not good business! You can't have people worried all the time that they'll be fired if they make one mistake. That's lunacy! Only a jackass would run his business that way!

Pete: Carl, this is the way it works: an unsatisfied owner fires people!

Carl: A stupid owner! A stupid, arrogant, shortsighted owner. The kind of guy who blames everybody but himself! How would you like it everytime something went wrong, I just blamed you, the supervisor, huh? Let's just fire the supervisor! Then I'll hire some other guy, and something would go wrong and I'd fire him, and I'd probably rehire you! Then fire you again, bring in someone else, then fire him and rehire you again! Then fire and hire, back and forth until the whole thing's just a big joke! Is that the kind of owner you want? Some yammering nincompoop in a fancy suit? No way you take that road, 'cause before you know it, you'll probably be banned from running the entire company.

Pete: You know what? You're right. Thank God the kind of boss you described only exists in our worst nightmares! Because if he did exist, I'd be so sick, I don't think I could stand the sight of him.

[ a hungover employee enters the office staggering ]

Hungover Employee: Hey, Boss. I wasa at a party last night.. I got pretty drunk, and I was wondering if I could knock off early?

Carl: Take the rest of the day off. And if you're still hung over tomorrow, just come back next week - we'll be here for you.

Hungover Employee: Thanks, Boss.

Carl: Okay. I'll walk you to your car.

[ Carl exits with the hungover employee, leaving Pete alone in the office ]

Pete: [ to himself ] There goes the opposite of a horrible man.

[ fade ]

The Mendoza Line is an informal term used in baseball for when a position player's batting average falls below .200 (some say .215).

If Joe Torre was ultimately ousted because he could not deliver on the Yankees mantra, why, all of a sudden, they asked, should management have "patience" with Don Mattingly, Joe Girardi, Tony Peña or whoever the next Yankees manager is?

For this, some called Hank Steinbrenner a hypocrite.

Others regurgitated the Yankees roster and ripped Hank Steinbrenner for calling it a team "in transition." They said having "patience," and not expecting a trip to the World Series, from a team that could include Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Mariano Rivera and Jorge Posada, amounted to pre-cutting the new Yankees manager major slack and not holding him to a Torre-like standard.

Never mind that in a few short sentences, Hank Steinbrenner lowered the bar, basically saying the mind-set around here has to change. And it has nothing to do with not wanting to win, or spending big money on players, or not wanting to get to the World Series.

The way baseball's postseason is constructed, the "best" team does not always win. And just because they are the Yankees, because of their mega-payroll and history of success, doesn't mean they're always going to be the best team in baseball. They certainly were not the best team all 12 seasons Torre managed them.

This did not stop the Yankees organization from pushing/selling the myth. It did not stop Mr. Torre from becoming the highest-paid manager in the game. It also did not stop the Steinbrenner family from offering him to keep him ranked No. 1, even with a pay cut. The offer did not meet Torre's standard. He turned it down.

That moment marked a change in the course of the Yankees organization. And Hank Steinbrenner's "patience" remark, when not viewed through Torre-tinted spectacles, indicates another huge change, a different approach to the Yankees' mission.

Reality may have finally set in.

Ray Schulte, Mattingly's representative, e-mailed a statement this afternoon on Mattingly's behalf:

"Don was extremely disappointed to learn today that he wasn't the organization's choice to fill the managerial vacancy. Instead, he was informed the organization offered the position to Joe Giradi.

"Don feels both Joe and Tony Pena represent true professionalism both on and off the field and he was honored to be among them as candidates for the managerial position. Don extends congratulations to Joe and wishes him and the organization good luck next year!

"Today is a very difficult day because managing the Yankees was Don's aspiration and goal since becoming the hitting coach four years ago. Even though this opportunity has passed him by he wants to thank Mr. Steinbrenner for his initial faith, inspiration and support throughout his playing and coaching career.

"Don will use this time to reflect on this experience while considering future family and career options. In the meantime, he did inform the Yankees that given the circumstances he won't accept a coaching position within the organization during 2008."

In business: The Yankees are preparing contract offers to both Jorge Posada and Mariano Rivera, in hopes of re-signing their two biggest free agents before they can talk to other clubs.

According to The New York Times, the offers will exceed the three years and approximately $40 million already proposed to both players.

"The offers are going to be very generous offers," senior vice president Hank Steinbrenner told the Times. "It comes down to what they're really looking to do at this point."

Under free-agent rules, neither Rivera nor Posada can sign with other teams before Tuesday.

While Posada's agents have met with Cashman during the General Managers Meetings in Orlando, Fla., Rivera's agent has not. Fern Cuza said his client was not likely to sign with the Yankees before talking to other clubs.

"I think we're probably going to just go on the market and see what's out there," Cuza told the Times. "We're not too far off from that period."

Trade bait: Contrary to recent reports, Steinbrenner said on Wednesday that he would not consider trading one of his big three prospects -- Chamberlain, Hughes or Kennedy -- for a third baseman. The Yankees have been linked in recent days to Marlins slugger Miguel Cabrera.

"As far as trading one of them -- and, of course, it would require someone else as well -- for a position player, I have doubts about that," Steinbrenner told the Times. "My choice at this point would be that those three, right now, are pretty much off limits. But that doesn't mean we can't work something else out."

Steinbrenner would not comment to the Times on whether he would trade one of those prospects for an elite starting pitcher.

Few top-flight starters are set to hit the free-agent market this winter, but a handful -- including Johan Santana and Dan Haren -- could be available through trade.

According to people who have observed the relationship over the years, Rodriguez has always been grateful for the role Boras played in his life, from setting him up with personal trainers and mental coaches to making him wealthy beyond his dreams with that famous $252million contract. However, they say it evolved into something of a love-hate relationship, with A-Rod growing to resent Boras' control at times, quarreling with him on certain matters but always giving in to him.

That began to change, however, with the opt-out announcement during Game4 of the World Series that seemed to infuriate every fan, media voice and baseball executive in the free world. A-Rod had taken his share of criticism before, but nothing like this.

People who should know say that while Rodriguez had given Boras the go-ahead to opt out, he had no idea the agent would leak the news in a way that would upstage the World Series.

"He was blind-sided by the timing," was the way one person put it. "He was (ticked) and he got more (ticked) as time went on and he saw the hit his reputation was taking. The demand for his (merchandising products) dried up almost immediately.

"He was so angry at Boras that at one point he told friends he was thinking of suing him. Then there was a series of steps that led him to take control of the situation. The Lowell talks (with the Yankees) pushed him over the edge. He didn't want any part of going to Boston. So he made his move without Boras.

"I think their relationship will survive - there's too much history there. But I don't think it will ever be the same."

For once, then, it seems Boras pays for being a bully. Apparently he didn't count on Hank Steinbrenner showing up out of nowhere as a tough guy who couldn't be bluffed in the manner of his old man.

More than anything, it apparently was the very public and seemingly ironclad dismissal by Hank Steinbrenner after the opt-out that made A-Rod begin to re-think his willingness to let Boras once again dictate the direction his career would take.

"That's why he called me, to ask if Hank was serious about closing the door on him," a second person said yesterday. "From what I gathered, Boras had been telling him not to worry about what Brian Cashman was saying about the opt-out, partly because they knew they had George on their side.

"But then Alex saw the shift in power, with the Steinbrenner sons taking over, and here was Hank saying 'Goodbye, we don't want you if you don't want to be a Yankee.' Those words really messed with his mind because he really did want to be a Yankee."

Yes, there are indications that Boras had convinced Rodriguez that all of the talk about an opt-out ultimatum from Cashman was merely negotiating rhetoric, regularly reminding him George Steinbrenner was on his side.

After all, hadn't George taken Rodriguez's side on the infamous "Ha" play on that pop-up in Toronto, rebuking Joe Torre for saying A-Rod had been in the wrong?

And hadn't George, in that interview he gave to The Record during the division series, said he had every intention of making sure Rodriguez remained a Yankee?

"I don't think there's any doubt that Boras used George's fondness for Alex as a way of convincing him there was no danger in opting out," one person said. "They both had to know George was slipping, but maybe Boras was able to convince Alex that as long as he was alive, George would have the final say."

There have been several recent reports that the Yanks, who had contacted Lowell about third base when they believed they had a vacancy there, were pursuing Lowell with the caveat that he move across the diamond. One Boston TV station reported the Yankees had made a four-year offer worth $50 million-$55 million to the 33-year-old. That report, according to a source, was "pure fantasy." The Yankees already have Andy Phillips, Shelley Duncan and Jason Giambi to use at first base and, according to a source, don't want to make a major investment in another player at first, especially if that player would have to switch positions to play there.

We'll see how it goes, but this is not an act. It's not a bluff. It's just reality," Steinbrenner said. "Because as much as I want Santana, and you can make that clear -- for his sake, to know that I do want him -- but the fact is that I'm not going to play the game.

"We've made them the best offer. And at this point, it's not going to get any better. So they can decide. At this point, it's up to them. I don't think they want to lose us in this thing, obviously. Nobody wants to lose the Yankees in a negotiation."

He is expected to fill the role of right-hander Luis Vizcaino, who declined the Yankees' offer of salary arbitration last week. Vizcaino, who is seeking a multiyear contract, is expected to sign elsewhere.