Forum: gent
Page 124
Subject: Fun Suff- Jokes only, Part 2


  Posted by: TB - Sherpa [031811922] Sun, Jan 22, 2006, 20:58

The Fun Stuff, Jokes, Links, ETC. thread is getting a bit long so I was thinking about starting two new threads. This one for jokes and another thread for cool links and videos.

 
1TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Jan 22, 2006, 20:59
An 85-year-old Florida man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar open
 
2TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Jan 22, 2006, 21:01
Men vs Women, or more like Men Bashing Jokes

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends,"I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger.
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
 
3TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Jan 22, 2006, 21:08
Pecans In The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of
nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you,one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan
and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing
by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped
the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to
get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the
boy on the bike.
 
4TB
      ID: 1286814
      Mon, Jan 23, 2006, 19:18
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a Terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill! What happened?"

"I got fired"

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, . . . she got fired too!"



Questions that really need answers...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on..........

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
 
5Boxman
      ID: 25014235
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 06:37
My wife said she's enrolling me in at least 2 of these.


WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT


THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Jan. 30, 2006

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 
6Challenger
      Donor
      ID: 481126818
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 10:27
The year in review ~ for a Blonde ~


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... "duh"..... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast-stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rainstorm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M&M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

 
7Challenger
      Donor
      ID: 481126818
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 10:47
This is bad......

A couple, both rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".

The doctor asked them why, after 9 children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read a recent article that 1 out of every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican and they
didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
 
8wolfer
      ID: 120391211
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 11:48
Signs You've Bought a Cheap Car


Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries not included."

You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.
 
9TB
      ID: 37373017
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 19:44
Reminds me of the Adam Sandler song about his piece of sh** car.

...And if a girlie sees my car
There’s no chance I’ll ever bang her
(he never ever gets da p****y)
Hey shut up
 
10katietx
      ID: 2511422414
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 22:07
RE: 5


Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

This should read: Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly while she drives.

No...a class is needed.

 
11Challenger
      Donor
      ID: 481126818
      Wed, Jan 25, 2006, 23:46
Subject: correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans, and West Virginians can no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

We must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.


Thank you
 
12Challenger
      Donor
      ID: 481126818
      Sat, Jan 28, 2006, 01:01
"Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers"

This one is for all of you who: a) have kids b) had kids c) was a kid d)
know a kid!

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having
a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said....

"Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers
in my mouth and said, "Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to
eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "Where did my booger go ?"
 
13TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Jan 29, 2006, 18:11
Definition of ugly

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"
The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No," he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
 
14Challenger
      Donor
      ID: 481126818
      Tue, Jan 31, 2006, 00:06
Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
 
15TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sat, Feb 04, 2006, 01:45
Would You Remarry?
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."


 
16TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Feb 07, 2006, 21:27
Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
17TB
      ID: 1286814
      Fri, Feb 10, 2006, 10:31
"Why God made moms" answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions...  

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think

Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.


What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

==============================
       THE MOMMY TEST
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh...", I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff.  It's on the Mommy Test.  You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
 
18katietx
      ID: 5615158
      Wed, Feb 15, 2006, 09:14
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as
she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drink right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since."

"My Goodness!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

 
19sarge33rd
      ID: 480323118
      Thu, Feb 16, 2006, 12:33
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....



He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?...."
 
20TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Wed, Feb 22, 2006, 01:32
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael raised his hand and when called upon said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

What about you, Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted!
 
21TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Wed, Feb 22, 2006, 01:34
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it." "Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.
 
22TB
      ID: 37373017
      Wed, Feb 22, 2006, 13:29
I don't know if you guys shop at Costco but this may be useful to know. A `heads up' for you and any friends you have who pay to be regular CostCo customers. Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the family’s groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it could not happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th and again just yesterday and very likely this upcoming weekend.

Just a friendly warning to watch out.
 
23TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Feb 28, 2006, 01:45
Three little ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
 
24Skidazl
      Leader
      ID: 379312323
      Wed, Mar 01, 2006, 19:17
This guy is eating at an exclusive eatery when the waiter comes up to his table and asks if everything is okay. The man replies "Yes," but during the conversation drops his spoon on the floor. The waiter immediately pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket. The man asks, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?"

The waiter states that the place is so busy all the time that the employees need to save time any way they can so they did a survey and the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon, so now all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great.

Later on the waiter again stops by to see if everything was OK. This time the man notices a string sticking out of the waiters zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull "it" out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, thus saving us time.

"Interesting," says the man, "but how do you put 'it' back in your pants when you're done?"

The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."
 
25Boxman
      ID: 1122225
      Thu, Mar 02, 2006, 06:43
This video is of a gamer flipping out while playing XBox. I think he's playing Halo.

(Warning: This has a lot of bad language. Just thought I'd warn you if you're at work or with the kiddies.)

Crybaby Gamer
 
26weykool
      ID: 81151511
      Thu, Mar 02, 2006, 13:47
Mickey Mouse is sitting across from a private investigator and the P.I. says, "Well mickey, we followed your girlfriend, Minnie around for two weeks and we found absolutely no evidence whatsoever that she is the least bit crazy".
Mickey has a puzzled look on his face and says, "What are you talking about? I told you that I thought she was F'ing Goofy"
 
27ChicagoTRS
      Leader
      ID: 566152116
      Thu, Mar 02, 2006, 14:00
I don't know if you guys shop at Costco but this may be useful to know. A `heads up' for you and any friends you have who pay to be regular CostCo customers. Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the family’s groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don't be naive enough to think it could not happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen February 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th and again just yesterday and very likely this upcoming weekend.

Just a friendly warning to watch out.
 
28leggestand
      Leader
      ID: 451036518
      Thu, Mar 02, 2006, 14:04
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on Brooklyn Tony.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then Brooklyn Tony says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Brooklyn Tony replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
 
29TB
      ID: 37373017
      Wed, Mar 08, 2006, 13:50
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning, uphill, BOTH ways, through year 'round blizzards, carrying their younger siblings on their backs, to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death. I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it.

But now that I'm over the ripe "old" age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy. I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia. I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it.

When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog. There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen. Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it could take a whole week to get there. There were no MP3's or Napsters. If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself. Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talked over the beginning and messed it all up. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal. We didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either. When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know. You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics. We had the Atari 2600. With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked. Your guy was a little square. You actually had to use your imagination. There were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever and you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died. Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating. All the seats were the same height. If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control. You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on. You were screwed when it came to channel surfing. You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either. You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled kids. We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a fire. Imagine that. If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
 
30TB
      ID: 1286814
      Wed, Mar 08, 2006, 17:43
Time for some new rules.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: making my pizza.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Caviar?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the butthole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge butthole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not cheese, and I didn't really care in the first place.
 
31TB
      ID: 1286814
      Sat, Mar 11, 2006, 17:05
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK.
The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
 
32weykool
      ID: 5524923
      Sat, Mar 11, 2006, 19:06
TB:

If you thought the 80’s were rough you should have tried the 70’s.
We had to make our own snow just so we had something to walk on.
If we wanted to know something we asked our parents and we were always told to look it up in the dictionary or encyclopedia. Of course the encyclopedia was 20 years old and if you couldn’t find it in there it just didn’t exist. If we wanted to write a letter we wish we had a pen. All we had was a pencil. If you made a mistake you had two choices. Use a rock hard eraser that smeared black splotches all over your paper...OR....START OVER! Forget trying to record something on the radio, the little hand held transistor we had was 80% static, with music in the background. If you wanted to steal some music you were SOL. An LP was one foot by one foot, try stuffing that down your pants. Of course that all changed when the 8-track was introduced. Of course it didn’t do you much good it was obsolete before you could even get it home. When it came to the telephone we wish we had a push button phone like you softies from the 80’s. We had to stick our fingers in little holes and manually rotate the dial clockwise until it stopped. Also forget about moving more than three feet from the wall. The phone company provided all the equipment and saw no reason to offer a chord longer than your arm. We wish we had Atari. All we had was pong….and we were glad to have it. We had two white lines and a little white square. There was only one level…the boring level…..Just like life! We wish we had a movie theatre. When you wanted to see a movie you saw it from the “comfort” of the family vehicle at the drive in! The windows would fog up every ten minutes. By the end of the movie your neck was sore and couldn’t move from straining to see the screen. When it came to TV we didn’t need a remote because you were already standing next to the TV holding the rabbit ears in one hand reaching for the couch with the other. Count yourself lucky that you didn’t have cartoons during the week. Our parents tried to convince us that Captain Kangaroo and Hobo Kelly were prime entertainment. The only other show that came on during the day was Jack LaLane exercising. No wonder so many of my friends became gay. If we wanted popcorn we had to throw it into an open pit Bar-B-Q and hope you could catch it out of the air.

Of course nothing can match what the parents of my friend who was of Japanese decent,
whose parents were raised in the forties:
“You kids have it vewy easy, when we your age, we have two nuquea bomb drop on us.
 
33TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Mar 16, 2006, 01:28
HOW TO WIN EVERY ARGUMENT

I argue very well. Ask any of my few remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

* Drink liquor: Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may even leave the room.

* Make things up: Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised taxbase is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07, before the mean gross poverty level."

NOTE: Always make up *exact* figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."

* Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations, such as "QED," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."

Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money."

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers, vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. QED."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks: You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples to oranges. What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than engineers and policy nerds has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.

Here's how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873 ... Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865. You say: You're begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians ... Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa. You say: You're being defensive.

* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler: This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."

So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not try any of this on people who carry weapons.
 
34TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sat, Mar 18, 2006, 02:34
WEARING OF THE GREEN

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he
fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make
him come."
 
35TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Mon, Mar 20, 2006, 00:14
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!" The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
 
36TB
      ID: 1286814
      Tue, Mar 21, 2006, 13:07
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. That's a Daddy Long legs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Long legs? " the little girl asked. No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "Well, it might be OK in California or Massachusetts, but we're not having any of that shit in Texas."
 
37TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Mar 26, 2006, 03:24
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister? Give this some thought before you answer. Reread the question if need be. Do not scroll down until you have your answer.















Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...
 
38TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Apr 02, 2006, 22:54
She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.
He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"
She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".
He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.
Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"
She says "The egg timer's broken!"


As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies, "These are not pigs; these are authentic Texan razorback Hogs. I got one for Condeleezza Rice, and I got one for Dick Cheney."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."


Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
 
39TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Apr 02, 2006, 23:01
BRAIN TWISTER:
See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common ....

Assess Banana Dresser Grammar Potato Revive Uneven Voodoo

Highlight below this line to see the answer.
_______________________________________________
If you take the first letter of each word and place it at the end of the same word and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
 
40Perm Dude
      Dude
      ID: 030792616
      Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 00:40
There's two muffins in an oven.

The first muffin goes "man, it's hot in here."
The other one says "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!'
 
41TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Apr 14, 2006, 13:13
lol, PD

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
 
42TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Apr 21, 2006, 23:57
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Walter Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight . His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client, Walter Wright, had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"
 
43Skidazl
      Leader
      ID: 379312323
      Sat, Apr 22, 2006, 00:22
Love the jokes, TB keep 'em coming...
 
44TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Apr 23, 2006, 13:50
Right on, Skidazl. I enjoy going back to read them. Some days at work, a couple of good jokes makes all the difference.


CONVERTING A BEAR

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi used to get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people wasn't really all that hard, or even converting them. A real challenge would be converting a bear. Perhaps a little high from caffeine, they decided to put this notion to the test. Each of them would go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they were all together at the local hospital to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, leaned on crutches as he spoke. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and he began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him, and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory he declaimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But the Devil had hold of that bear's soul! So I took HOLD of him and we began a-rassling. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And the Lord made him gentle as a lamb! Me and him spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at Rabbi Lipschitz, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He looked up at the others and struggled to speak. "Looking back on it," he said, "circumcision may not have been the best way to begin."
 
45TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Wed, May 03, 2006, 23:54
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if
any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother
sent her 8-year-old in the morning first, with the older boy set to see
the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down
and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but
he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.
So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice
even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time, dude. God is missing, and they think WE did it."
 
46TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, May 12, 2006, 20:40
BREAD IS DANGEROUS

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged
whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
The average American eats more bread than that in one month.

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of
cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items
such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy,
gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following
bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might
associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to
children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
 
47TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Jun 06, 2006, 01:29
The Quickie

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old
son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle
and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson 's have company", he
called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed.

Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
 
48ChicagoTRS
      ID: 564292610
      Tue, Jun 06, 2006, 10:28
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an FEMA ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work....You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says..."I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
 
49jimmy
      Dude
      ID: 349182621
      Wed, Jun 14, 2006, 21:48
The human side of the view on "Aesop's fable of an open well"


Off the coast of England is a small island, well populated with a people of the English type and very religious. They have no cars, trucks, streetcars, or horses. Their only means of transportation is on donkeys which are called a$$es. The fat a$$es are all owned by the rich, while the skinny, thin and boney a$$es are owned by the poorer people. No matter where they go, they always bring their a$$es. The women go shopping with their a$$es and it's not unusual to see a patronizing business man patting a lady's a$$ in the middle of the street.

While good a$$es are cheap, a stranger has a hard time getting any. The minister, who has a hairy a$$, keeps it on the shady side of the church. Near by is an open well. One day during services a nit-wit hollered fire, and everybody rushed for his a$$. The minister jumped through the open window, expecting to land on his a$$, but landed in the well instead. This goes to show that even the learned do not always know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.
 
50TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sat, Jun 17, 2006, 14:50
Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
 
51 Lachessis
      ID: 285442913
      Thu, Jun 29, 2006, 14:54
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.




Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You Jerk.
It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 
52RecycledSpinalFluid
      Dude
      ID: 204401122
      Thu, Jun 29, 2006, 15:35
LOL! Love that one.

I tried to tell #50 to my wife, but I'm so bad with remembering jokes I misfired on its deliver. Just flat out killed the joke. Was worth the effort though.
 
53Lachessis
      ID: 285442913
      Mon, Jul 03, 2006, 03:19
I read smoking was bad for you so I quit smoking.

I read drinking was bad for you so I quit drinking.

I read $ex was bad for you so I quit reading
 
54sarge33rd
      ID: 75591913
      Mon, Jul 03, 2006, 15:40
A Tale of sailing ships:

The captain of an English sailing ship was sitting in his cabin when the cabin boy comes running in and says, "Captain, a pirate ship coming up on the port side!"

Calmly, the captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." He does, the captain wears it throughout the battle and the pirates are driven off.

A few weeks later, the cabin boy rushes in to announce that there is another pirate ship coming on fast. Once again the captain asks for his red shirt and they beat back the pirates. Curious, the cabin boy asks why the captain always asks for his red shirt. The captain explains, "If, by chance, I become wounded, the men would not see the blood and panic."

A few days later the cabin boy comes rushing in and announces, "Captain, 6 pirate ships quickly approaching!"
 
55Skidazl
      Leader
      ID: 379312323
      Mon, Jul 03, 2006, 22:12
sarge, did I miss something? Or did you?
 
56TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Mon, Jul 03, 2006, 22:17
He just left off the punch line. I am guessing something close to:

The Captain takes a deep breath and says, "Get me my brown pants."
 
57Skidazl
      Leader
      ID: 379312323
      Tue, Jul 04, 2006, 14:05
thanks TB, that's what I thought...

just for the life of me, maybe due to too many 4th(3rd) of July margaritas, I couldn't figure out what the punch line might be...
 
58sarge33rd
      ID: 75591913
      Tue, Jul 04, 2006, 21:41
dammit. sorry gang. copy/pasted it on my way out the door. seems I'm getting more and more daft with ea passing year. :(
 
59Perm Dude
      ID: 30650127
      Wed, Jul 12, 2006, 16:59
Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Answer:

Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're hammered!
 
60TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Jul 13, 2006, 02:08
A monastery in the English countryside has fallen on hard times,
and the monks decide to open a fish-and-chips restaurant.

A visitor comes across two monks working in the monastery
kitchen in preparation for the restaurant's grand opening. The
first monk fries the fish, the second one peels, slices, and fries
the potatoes.

"What are you guys doing?" asks the visitor.

"Well," says the monk frying the fish, "I am the friar, and he is
the chip monk."
 
61katietx
      ID: 56658617
      Thu, Jul 13, 2006, 19:40
*groan*
 
62ChicagoTRS
      ID: 96212713
      Tue, Aug 01, 2006, 11:19
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in the front of his pants...

The bartender looks at him and asks, “what is up with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?” Pirate says “Aaarrrgh, its driving me nuts!”
 
63Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Fri, Aug 04, 2006, 11:21
The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight
into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour.

I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the Coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!"

"No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "at this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get assaulted!"

The old lady pauses then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans."
 
64TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Aug 15, 2006, 07:34
MY GRANDPA

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Budweiser and women with big boobs."
 
65TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Wed, Aug 16, 2006, 21:00
DOG'S DIARY
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!



CAT'S DIARY
Day 483 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.
Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm... that did not work according to plan...
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
But I have patience...
I can wait...
It is only a matter of time....
 
66sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Thu, Aug 17, 2006, 00:10
64 and 65....priceless. :)
 
67TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Aug 27, 2006, 02:46
AUNT SHIRLEY

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess and the moral of the story is, 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket'!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Shirley. Aunt Shirley was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens" said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Shirley when she's been drinking."
 
68TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Mon, Sep 04, 2006, 02:37
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs?
A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy ribeye steak and scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra...
I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
 
69TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 00:47
BRITISH HOSPITALITY

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group
and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing
the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak
up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....
big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and
worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints. He finds a narrow
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and
decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have
to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there,"
points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, Sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes
back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent of
you... is that what you call "British hospitality?"

"No sir",... replied the Bobbie,..., "that is what we call the French Embassy."
 
70TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 21:10
Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my
wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she
has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a
taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just t o see what time it was and
she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down
I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again
and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Ultra Classic next to
the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the
whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind
my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to be
leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

Thanks, Biker Bob
 
71TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 21:13
Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 
72TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 21:28
Blonde Detective

Blonde Detective
A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."
 
73TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 21:34
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game.

The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question:

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer.

He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
74TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 22:07
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
 
75TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Sep 08, 2006, 22:10
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 
76Perm Dude
      ID: 3281199
      Sat, Sep 09, 2006, 10:13
Great source for jokes:

JumboJoke.com

Unlike a lot of sites, this one isn't slowed down by a lot of popups or other ads. Simple, easy, text. And searchable.
 
77TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Sep 17, 2006, 10:43
I heard this one a little differently, but it brought a chuckle.

PROSPECTIVE GROOM

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...it was her beautiful
younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she
was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going
upstairs to my bedroom and if you wan t one last wild fling, just come
up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the
front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and
behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears
in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that
you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter.
Welcome to our family."

[Scroll down]





The moral of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
78TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Sep 19, 2006, 14:55
Golf

Lee Trevino: "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

Unknown . "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins."

Hank Aaron: "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."

Lee Trevino: "Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."

Lee Trevino: "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."

Sam Snead: "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow."

Paul Harvey: "Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five."

Tommy Bolt, about the tempers of modern players: "They throw their clubs backwards and sideways, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."

Jimmy Demaret: "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."

Jack Lemmon: "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."

Lee Trevino: "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."

"Silk Stockings " TV Show: "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."

Gerald Ford: "I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."

P.G. Wodehouse: "The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows."

Bob Hope: "If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him."

Ken Harrelson: "In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base."

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life."

Chi Chi Rodriguez: "After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."

Tommy Bolt, toward the end of one of his infamous high-volume, temperamental, club-throwing rounds, asked his caddie for a club recommendation for a shot of about 155 yards. His caddie said: "I'd say either a 3-iron or a wedge, sir." "A 3- iron or a wedge?" asked Bolt. "What kind of stupid, #*!~%^* choice is that?" "Those are the only two clubs you have left in the your bag, sir." said the caddie.
 
79Wilmer McLean
      ID: 3081163
      Tue, Sep 19, 2006, 22:42
Funny chain letter/email:

This is a chain letter. It came into

existence for men just like you. This is no

ordinary chain letter. All that you have to

do is send your wife or girl-friend to the

man at the top of the list, cross his name

out, put your name at the bottom of the list

and mail a copy of this letter to five of

your friends.

By the time your name reaches the top of

the list, you will have received over two

thousand different women. But whatever you

do DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN . One man did and

he got his own bitch back.

A man in southern Idaho is reported to

have received over ten thousand women. He

was buried last Tuesday, but it took 37

morticians 3 hours to get the smile off of

his face.

 
80RecycledSpinalFluid
      ID: 56710281
      Wed, Sep 20, 2006, 15:52
Driving home for lunch, I was following behind a minivan with custom vanity plates of "PMSING"...

Life is funny.
 
81Perm Dude
      ID: 58925208
      Fri, Oct 20, 2006, 22:26
FROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT

* I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.

* I had amnesia once -
- maybe twice.

* I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart.

* Photons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.

* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* If the world was a logical place,
Men would ride horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible ..
.. And I believed them.

* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

* Two can live as cheaply as one,
For half as long.

* Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* One nice thing about egotists ..
.. They don't talk about other people.

* When the only tool you own is a hammer,
Every problem begins to look like a nail.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* My weight is perfect for my height ..
.. Which varies.

* I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.

* The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

* How can there be self-help "groups"

* Is there another word for synonym?

* The speed of time is one second per second.

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* What's another word for thesaurus?

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
And I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* It's not an optical illusion.
It just looks like one.

* Is it my imagination,
Or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular,
Why is it still number 2?
 
82TB
      ID: 448553012
      Sun, Oct 22, 2006, 02:27
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...



Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the
image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the
street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...



BUMP...



Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him.....



FASTER...



FASTER...



BUMP...





BUMP...




BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the
casket clapping



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.


Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart
is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can
find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and, hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
.
.
.
.
.
.




The coffin stops!!!

 
83C1-NRB
      ID: 5131158
      Mon, Oct 23, 2006, 09:59
Ba-dum-bump.
 
84Perm Dude
      ID: 1191238
      Mon, Oct 23, 2006, 12:14
WOMAN'S POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.







MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.
 
85Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Wed, Oct 25, 2006, 10:53
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the Fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
 
86ChicagoTRS
      Leader
      ID: 566152116
      Thu, Oct 26, 2006, 14:31
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by a University of Colorado English professor from an actual class assignment:


The professor told his class: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of
the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.



THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.



(second paragraph! by Gary)



Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.

"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his Trans galactic communicator. " Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. " Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A^$h#le

(Gary)
B*t%h!

(Rebecca)
F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!

(Gary)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.

(TEACHER)
A+ -- I really liked this one.
 
87TB
      ID: 448553012
      Tue, Nov 07, 2006, 10:22
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.

Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."

So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.

One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."

He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!"
 
88Perm Dude
      ID: 3510251713
      Sat, Nov 18, 2006, 10:48
5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

And how to answer them...

:)
 
89sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Sat, Nov 25, 2006, 19:14
Washington D.C reports that President George W Bush has given the Presidential turkey a pardon so that it may live long and prosper. Unfortunately the turkey was subsequently shot by Vice President Dick Cheney after it had been set free. An investigation is pending...
 
90Perm Dude
      ID: 211029259
      Sat, Nov 25, 2006, 19:15
Maybe not so far from the truth...
 
91TB
      ID: 72253110
      Mon, Nov 27, 2006, 11:31
California Phone Survey

The latest telephone poll taken by the Governor of California yielded results on whether or not people who live in California think illegal
immigration is a serious problem:

41% of the respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

59% of the respondents answered: "no es un problema serio."
 
92Skidazl
      ID: 189142212
      Tue, Nov 28, 2006, 19:47
TB, speaking from a southern californian, that is so freaking true....
 
93Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Wed, Nov 29, 2006, 08:11
Pregnant Turkey Story

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided
to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the
store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the birds back in the oven

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit
something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia,
you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying
news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE

Gobble, Gobble



 
94Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Wed, Nov 29, 2006, 08:25
The Wal-Mart Husband

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists
that he go with her to Walmart. He gets bored with
all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out,
but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter
sent to her from the store.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment.

All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly
put them in people's carts when they weren't
looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.

5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
carpeted area.

7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if
they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you
people just leave me alone?'

9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where to
find the antidepressants.

11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ....

15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no
toilet paper in here!"

 
95Skidazl
      ID: 189142212
      Wed, Nov 29, 2006, 12:40
re: post #94...

#15 - hilarious...

#8 - I can't believe somebody actually offered assistance at walmart...
 
96katietx
      ID: 3810431417
      Wed, Nov 29, 2006, 15:57
See, and that's why I don't ever go shopping with sarge. ;-)
 
97TB
      ID: 72253110
      Sat, Dec 02, 2006, 13:18
Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St. Peter.
St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters.
He holds them up proudly and flicks them on. "What do they symbolize?"
asks St. Peter. "They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple sets
of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them. "What do they
symbolize?" inquires St. Peter. "They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling
out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.
Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"
 
98wolfer
      ID: 1910352315
      Fri, Dec 08, 2006, 15:53
Tequila Christmas Cookies
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda 1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp. lemon
juice
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Tequila

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, and check the tequila again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. In a large fluffy bowl, add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so, try another cup ... just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit and the damn cup off the floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the
cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the stove in
the dishwasher.
 
99sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Mon, Dec 11, 2006, 16:14
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow
a
break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," the driver replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he
used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with
it.

"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the
time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

"When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my
degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my
degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.

"Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my
assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was
Fred Dingaling MD with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling . . . so now I'm just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
100TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Dec 12, 2006, 01:48
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.
 
101sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Dec 12, 2006, 11:39
BARNEY THE DINOSAUR

1) Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR


3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan.
I knew it ... the fat bastard.
 
102sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Dec 14, 2006, 17:12
No Spikka Inglish

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives...."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'
 
103TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Dec 19, 2006, 01:27
OLD SALTS WILL LOVE THIS ONE

There was a ragged, old, retired Bosun's Mate Senior Chief who shuffled into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old salt, but it had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old Senior Chief staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old Senior Chief a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

"It's called, 'Drop Your Skivies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'," said the old Senior Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player went on with a knee- slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the Senior Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and said, "Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Senior Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
 
104sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Dec 27, 2006, 12:22
TEXAS TRUTH TOO GOOD NOT TO PASS ON

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher (whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle), the doctor and the old man struck up a conversation about George W. Bush being in the White House.

The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'."

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a
country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb bastard get down!"
 
105sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Dec 27, 2006, 12:30
Donald Rumsfeld is giving G.W his daily briefing in the Oval office. He concludes by saying;


"..and unfortunately Mr President, yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident....... "

"3 Brazilian soldiers !!!!!" the President exclaims. "Oh my god!! That's horrific !!!!"

His staff sits stunned at this overwhelming display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands trying to grasp the enormity of what he has just been told. Finally, G.W looks up and asks..........




"How many is a Brazilian"
 
106sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Dec 28, 2006, 11:06
in the interest of "equal time":


Bill and Hillary are at Yankee Stadium, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president.

Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently side-to-side. The agent then said, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And the fans would love it! So Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."

He then gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming; and the crowd goes wild; cheering, applauding and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right. I would have never believed that!"

Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!:
 
107sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Dec 28, 2006, 13:13
REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting
unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Louisiana, Mississippi,
Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be
dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about the
Islamic Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.
 
108sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Dec 28, 2006, 15:07
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they
smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls
into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a
joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says " Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says,
"Whooooooaaaaa dude........ How much water did you drink?!"
 
109katietx
      ID: 3810431417
      Thu, Dec 28, 2006, 17:36
*groan*
 
110sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Dec 29, 2006, 16:26
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in he glanced up and saw
the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized that she was heading straight toward his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,
"Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going
to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at the convention?"

Lecture," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer!
where I use information that I have learned
from! my own personal experiences to debunk
some of th! e popular myths about sexuality.

" "Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that
African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,
when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely
best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing
all this with you I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein,
but my friends call me Bubba."
 
111TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Sun, Dec 31, 2006, 02:04
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 
112sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Jan 11, 2007, 11:10
3 Texas Surgeons

Three Texas surgeons were arguing as to which had the greatest skill.

The first began: "Three years ago, I reattached seven fingers on a pianist.

He went on to give a recital for the Queen of England."


The second replied: "That's nothing.

I attended a man in a car accident.

All his arms and legs were severed from his body.

Two years after I reattached them, he won three gold medals for field events in the Olympics."


The third said: "A few years back, I attended to a cowboy.

He was high on cocaine and alcohol when he rode his horse head-on into a Santa Fe freight train traveling at 100 miles per hour.

All I had to work with was the horse's ass and a ten gallon hat.

Afew years ago he became president of the United States."
 
113sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Jan 12, 2007, 16:32
History's Worst Typo

A new young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."
 
114sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Jan 17, 2007, 15:08
Certain amount of humor here...

Day 1
Just celbrated our 25th wedding anniv with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenactour wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean gimme a break. He's been dsyfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesteerday, I sawa picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on themarket that will fix hisproblem. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like on our wedding night. He said this timeI'd rather not have your mother join us. I think this will work. I replaced his prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yeaterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself!
Not everything is about you! But, have to admit...

Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell....

Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turningblue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Braunaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was " The Smurfs Do Denmark." Een my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man.

Day 12
OK, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot glued to the bed.

Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning can be dangerous....

Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex president Bush and 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him.

Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody' want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16
I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to ...stiff. With my luck, I won't be able close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself .....
He did.

He must Die
 
115sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Jan 18, 2007, 10:50
have to wonder who this one is gonna insult:



A man from Canada was traveling through the states on his way to Mexico, when he stopped at a little bar in Texas. As he sat there having a drink, the tv news was talking about President Bush. The Canadian says"he's A horse's ass", which made the local patrons mad and a couple of them got up and beat the Canadian up. A little later after he had recovered somewhat and again was having a drink, A picture of Laura Bush was on the tv. The Canadian said" She's a real horse's ass" to which the whole crowd in the bar got up and just beat him to sh**. After awhile the Canadian climbed up on the bar stool and said"Damn if I had known this was Bush country I would have kept my mouth shut". The bar tender said "This ain't Bush country, this is horse country, so stop insulting them".
 
116katietx
      ID: 3810431417
      Thu, Jan 18, 2007, 10:55
Ok, lets see:

1. You insulted Canadians.
2. You insulted Texans.
3. You insulted bars.
4. You insulted horses.

That just about convers it.
 
117sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Jan 18, 2007, 11:06
1 and 2, both deserve it
3...I'd never do that
4...no, the Canadian did





For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with their women. Finally, there is hope for men.

This merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:-
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings +5
...in the snow +8
...but return with beer -5
...and no liners -125
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her cat -240

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy -2
....Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a lap dancer -10
With breast implants -18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday 0
You buy a card and flowers 0
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
....and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team -10



A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal 0
The pal is happily married +1
The pal is single -7
He drives a Ferrari -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) -15



A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called Death Cop 3 -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." -800



THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding. -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass" -2100
Any other response -20



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression 0
You listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience +50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what do you think I should do?" -50
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +100
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep -200

 
118TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Jan 18, 2007, 23:22
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every
year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs
50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." One year Morris and Esther
went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I
don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can
stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge
you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did
all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed,
the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could
think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell
out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
 
119TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Jan 19, 2007, 01:00
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week,
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and
began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood,
he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!"
or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all
the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the
captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece
of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went
on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"
 
120TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Jan 19, 2007, 04:58
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers it exploded into
flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire departments from
miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret
formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
saved. I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out
intact. "The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their attack on
the blaze.

After two hours of fighting the fire another fire department was called
in and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the
firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a long siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company
composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's
amazement, the little fire engine raced passed everyone and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off their
rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire
and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking. "What are you going to do with all that money?""

Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going
to do is fix the brakes on the truck!"
 
121TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Jan 19, 2007, 05:00
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had
spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly
bear. Each year they petitioned their respective
governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study
these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately
flew to NY and then on West to Yellowstone. They reported
to the local ranger station and were told that it was the
grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go
out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the
ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell
phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was
heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a
search party and found the scientists' camp completely
ravaged. No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear.
They found the female and decided they must kill the
animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because
they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach...
only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what
this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the
male."
 
122TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Jan 19, 2007, 16:29
Two guys are walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
 
123TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Jan 19, 2007, 18:01
John had a massive heart attack and died.
His body was delivered to the mortuary.

He had been wearing an expensive, expertly
tailored black suit at the time of his demise,
so he really looked wonderful, considering
the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral
home to make the final arrangements for his
interment. She spoke to the mortician about
what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the
man looked really nice in the black suit he
was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and
less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked
his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in
a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's
continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and
said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the
ceremony.

The woman came back the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit
with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly.

She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful.
How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the mortician
presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge
for these extra services.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite
blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit
cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's
size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an
attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his
grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no
difference, as long as he looked nice ........so I switched the heads."
 
124sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Jan 24, 2007, 14:55
A woman and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.

It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no, my wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
 
125sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Jan 24, 2007, 15:29
The President of the United States -- was looking for a call girl. He found
three such ladies in a local lounge: a blonde. a brunette, and a red head.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much
would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She responded, "$200."

To the brunette he posed the same question. She replied. "$100."

He then asked the same question to the red-head.

She said, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the
times, keep it as high as the prices, keep me warmer than my apartment, and
screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. Bush, it aint
gonna cost you a damn cent!
 
126sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Jan 24, 2007, 16:29
in the interest of EOB "equal opportunity bashing":

PROBLEM: Two books are for sale. Which to buy ?
"Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton ?

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: . . Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica . . . . ooh, let's not go there, either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary.... basically the same thing.
 
127leggestand
      Leader
      ID: 451036518
      Fri, Jan 26, 2007, 08:44
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
 
128sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Jan 26, 2007, 11:58
Living Wills

While I was watching the National Collegiate Football Championship game, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I
never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
 
129Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Fri, Jan 26, 2007, 16:30
On their honeymoon the new husband said to his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the golf course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about..... "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just narrow your stance a little and overlap your grip, swing through the ball, and that should clear it right up."
 
130sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Fri, Jan 26, 2007, 22:08
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up --
fireman,mechanic,businessman,salesman,doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.
Sometimes, if the offer is really good,he will go home with some guy and
stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He plays for the "Cleveland Browns," but I was too embarrassed
to say that in front of the other kids
 
131TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Jan 26, 2007, 22:59
#129 and #130 both had me laughing out loud.
 
132sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Sun, Jan 28, 2007, 09:31
Not a joke, but thought this the best place to put this one. (I got it from one of the moderators on another forum. She got it from her son.)


CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .


We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had Freedom, Failure, Success and Responsibility, and we Learned

HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
 
133Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Wed, Jan 31, 2007, 09:04
Unanswered Questions

1.Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3.OK..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

24. As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

 
134sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Feb 01, 2007, 13:20
Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.

He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
 
135sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Feb 01, 2007, 18:33
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU ' RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.


George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay ," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars , an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT.


***DISCLAIMER*** copy/pasted from another post on a different forum. I do not know, or care, if the story is indeed true.
 
136Perm Dude
      ID: 2514518
      Thu, Feb 01, 2007, 19:43
I heard that this was actually a true story, sarge.
 
137sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Feb 02, 2007, 10:11
WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"



The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

 
138Renegade
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Sat, Feb 03, 2007, 02:54
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down he aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

 
139sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, Feb 03, 2007, 10:37
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food. And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked brunette woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked brunette woman, face up, gorgeous body and breasts and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes, she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should ... you know ... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?!!"
 
140sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, Feb 03, 2007, 16:07
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someonein
this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party
who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve
to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be
forgiven
and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression."

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous
blonde
with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head
was
bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a
terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku
Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared!
 
141sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Mon, Feb 05, 2007, 13:54
The BEAVER

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella Instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly".
 
142sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Mon, Feb 05, 2007, 20:25
How to Bathe the Cat

1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top ...so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet - cat is enjoying this).
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go down the drain.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely,
The Dog
 
143sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Feb 06, 2007, 14:56
Dont mess with the kids frog......


A little boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog behind him. He slaps a hundred dollars on the counter and says, "Gimmie a hooker with herpes."

The woman behind the counter said she couldn't possibly give him a hooker with herpes. So the little boy slapped two hundred more dollars on the table and insisted, "Gimmie a hooker with herpes."

The woman sighed and said, "go up the stairs and down the hall, third door on the left."

The little boy did, he came back down ten minutes later and starts to leave but the woman stops him.

"Can I ask you a question?", she asked.

The little boy nodded.

"Why did you want a hooker with herpes?", she asked.

Well, the little boy explained, "I have herpes now, I'll give it to the baby sitter, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to my mom, my mom will give it to the neighbor, who will give it to his wife, she'll give it to the mailman, and he's the a$$hole who ran over my frog!"
 
144sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Wed, Feb 07, 2007, 23:16
A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to grant her a single wish. "I want the two biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.
The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden *poof!* there was a great cloud of smoke.
When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.
 
145TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Feb 08, 2007, 02:25
Truisms for Pun

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
 
146katietx
      ID: 3810431417
      Thu, Feb 08, 2007, 16:28
Sent sarge sent this to me, thought I'd give him credit for it.
New women's meds:

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of
how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved
out..

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents
conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge
to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal
lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration,
and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share
their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation
level as nagging him.

 
147Renegade
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Fri, Feb 09, 2007, 14:00
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke
to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to
the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton
is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs.
Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you just fine. I just love
hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
 
148sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Feb 09, 2007, 18:26
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to paradise.
He was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled angrily, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!"
Then Patrick Henry punched Osama in the nose and James Madison kicked him in the groin. Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans.
As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden groaned, "This is not what I was promised!"
The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you! What did you think I said?"

**************************************************

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE
MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?




"The f-ing funeral director would be my first guess" replied the wife!

***********************************************


Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God. God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.

So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."

Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."
 
149TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Feb 15, 2007, 11:01
A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he discovers a roll of hundreds in the guy’s colon. He pulls it out and counts the money.

“You’re not going to believe this,” says the doctor. “But I’ve just found $1,900 inside your rectum.”

“Hmm,” says the patient. “Well, I guess that explains why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”
 
150TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Feb 15, 2007, 15:44
Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass-bottomed boats?
A: So they can see their air force.

Q: What do you name a dog with three legs and steel balls?
A: Sparky.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes?
 
151Renegade
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 01:48
At last, a bumper sticker for both parties



FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker.

The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York State.



"RUN HILLARY RUN"



Democrats put it on the Rear Bumper.

Republicans put it on the Front Bumper.
 
152Renegade
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 01:58
Old Pastor's Last Request

An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were
ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly like either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?"

The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
 
153barilko6
      ID: 54154167
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 09:08
The Most Sensitive Guy Ever

This girl and guy meet up at a bar and get to talking. The girl thinks the guy is somewhat cute, so she accepts his invitation to go back to his place for some drinks.

When she gets to his place, she sees that he lives in a huge one room apartment, that is a really nice place, but she can't help but notice that one of the walls is filled with shelves, and on the shelves are hundreds of stuffed teddy bears. There are big ones, small ones, pink ones, brown ones, all different kinds!

She looks over them while he pours some wine, and thinks to herself, "Wow, this is the most sensitive guy I have ever met!"

After some wine, things start to progress, and they eventually end up on the bed. Normally she would never let things get so far so fast, but she can't help but think of the teddy bears and how sensitive this man is. Things go further, and soon all the clothes are off and they go at it for 2 hours!

After things are done, she is gasping and smiling, and turns to her new lover and says, "Wow, wasn't that the most incredible sex you have ever had, wow!"

He turns over to her and says, "Hmm...not bad...you can pick anything you want from the middle shelf"
 
154TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 11:50
I love that joke.
 
155TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:32
Random thoughts:
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Magic Genie
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

The Tollbooth

When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,
he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to
pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a
matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew
of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former
tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than
a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed
and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief.
"What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces
together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
 
156TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:33
It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting,
slinky, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning, and as they walk through
the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2
feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is
obviously excited at the pretty lady in the slinky, wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and
suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The
husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him,
and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let
one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and
Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it
at him," he says .... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now
he's doing flips. The husband then grabs his wife by the hair,
rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and
slams the cage door shut and yells: "Now, tell HIM you have a
headache."
 
157TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:34
President Bush and Secretary of Defense Robert Gates are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Gates
sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are
you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Arabs this time and
one blonde...

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde...? Why kill a blonde... ?"

Bush turns to Gates, punches him on the shoulder, and says, "See, I
told you no one would worry about the 140 million Arabs!"
 
158TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:36
A man and a woman, who have never met before, and are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing
a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f-----g blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
159TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:43
The Blind Walmart Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's
a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line.
It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping
on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was
she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale
for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00
and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
160TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:44
Three couples are trying to get into the local church. One of the requirements is
to abstain from sex for one month. After a month, the three couples come back to
report on their progress. The first couple says they didn't have sex, so the pastor
welcomes them to the church gladly. The next couple says they didn't have sex, but
it was very difficult so the husband had to sleep on the couch for the last week.
They are also allowed into the church. Then the pastor turns to the third couple.
"Have you remained chaste for the last month?" he asks. "Well, I am sorry but we
didn't make it," the husband said. "We tried but failed. She dropped a can of paint
the other day and when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we
did it right there." "Well I am sorry, my son, but you and your wife cannot be
permitted to join the church", says the Pastor. "We understand," the husband says.
"We aren't allowed in the Home Depot anymore either."
 
161TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:57
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get drunk. After
about three hours of guzzling liquor, George threw up all over his shirt.
"Damn!" he said. "The old lady is going to throw my butt out of the house for
getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!" Bill, George's best pal, gave George
an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. "All you got to do
is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door." Bill said, "Then,
when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other
drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

When George got home, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. "I knew that
you would get drunk and spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" she said. George
replied, "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me
20 bucks to have it cleaned." His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed
that he was holding two $20 bills. "Is that so?" she said. "Then where did the other
$20 bill come from?" "Oh, that's from the guy who crapped in my pants," George said.
 
162TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 15:59
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold
drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house
is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television
shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks
I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You bastard, die!'"
 
163TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 16:01
Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,”
says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip
my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”
 
164TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:24
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
 
165TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:26
Once upon a time, there was a man who came home very late
and very drunk every night. His wife decided to teach him
a lesson, so she dressed up like Satan and hid in the dark
to scare him when he got home.
When he finally came stumbling across the lawn, his wife
jumped out in front of him and howled like a demon. He just
looked at her and slurred, "You don't scare me. I'm married
to your sister!"
 
166TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:27
A lamaze class is in full swing with the instructor teaching the ladies how to breath, and their partners how to help and to deal with the important event.

The instructor says, "Now ladies, you have to be sure to exercise. Walking is very beneficial, and guys, you should be taking the time to walk with your partner."

The room is quiet for a little while, then one gentleman says, "Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we're walking?"
 
167TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:28
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."
 
168TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:28
A husband and wife went to a breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the
first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times
last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ...
He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week"

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow."
 
169TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:29
Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are hard to find."
 
170TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:31
A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
 
171TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 18:33
This one might have been posted before, but it cracks me up everytime I hear it or read it:

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe
in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a Traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings
on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at The
Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f--k off the car!"
 
172Great One
      ID: 201155199
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 19:05
Anyone remember this stupid forwarded email we all got a few years ago... it was for Coke and regarded a free cup holder. You did whatever and then the cd drive opened up to a "free cup holder".

Anyone?
 
173TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 20:04
Yes, I still have the .exe file on my old comp.
 
175TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 20:16
I posted a link to a file I found while surfing for the cupholder.exe, but then decided to check it out. My AVG screamed threat, so deleted the link.
 
176Perm Dude
      ID: 5017168
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 21:32
AVG screams threat everytime I got to RotoWire.com.

 
177Electroman
      ID: 44651412
      Fri, Feb 16, 2007, 22:49
Church Bulletins

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

----------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
--------------------------------------- -------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs
----------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in t he Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
-----------------------------------------------
 
178barilko6
      ID: 3512496
      Sat, Feb 17, 2007, 07:41
A priest, a monkey, a blonde, a nun, a blind man, a democrat, and fat guy walk into a bar, and the bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
 
179Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 271561719
      Sat, Feb 17, 2007, 20:56
Hey Barilko6, Thats funny, I dont care who you are.
 
180Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Mon, Feb 19, 2007, 17:06
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a-hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing up there but whores and hockey players."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
 
181TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Mon, Feb 19, 2007, 17:09
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square in the ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."
 
182Ref
      Donor
      ID: 539581218
      Tue, Feb 20, 2007, 17:20
Dumb Laws

DUMB JOKES (from the same site)

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the
other is used to carry groceries.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food
chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid
people are still buying it!

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.

The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous,"
said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of
roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."
 
183Renegade
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Wed, Feb 21, 2007, 16:08
CRABBY OLD MAN

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital
near Tampa , Florida , it was believed that he had nothing left of
any value. Later, when the nurses were going through his meager
possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so
impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every
nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Missouri . The
old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Chris
tmas edition of the News Magazine of the St. Louis Association for
Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on
his simple, but eloquent, poem.

And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world,
is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the
Internet.


Crabby Old Man


What do you see nurses? ......What do you see?
What are you thinking......when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .......with faraway eyes?


Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice .....the things that you do.
And forever is losing .............. a sock or shoe?


Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will
With bathing and feeding ....... the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me

I'll tell you who I am ....... as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .......as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .......who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen ...........with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now. ..........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty .........my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows........that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide ........ and a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ........ my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ......... with ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons ........have grown and are gone
But my woman's beside me........to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .......... babies play 'round my knee
Again, we know children ......... my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .......... my wife is now dead.
I look at the future .............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing ........young of their own.
And I think of the years...... and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age .......look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass ...... a young guy still dwells,
And now and again .........my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys.............. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.......... ...life over again.

I think of the years ...all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ..........open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!


 
184sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, Feb 24, 2007, 11:28
Jose Cuervo is now a pharmacological!!!!!!!



Do you have feelings of inadequacy?


Do you suffer from shyness?


Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about
yourself and your actions.

Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world
that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the
benefits of Tequila almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you
can overcome any obstacle that prevents you from living the life you want to
live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and
start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing
should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming
pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include:
dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of
grandeur, table dancing, headaches, dehydration, dry mouth and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister
 
185sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, Feb 24, 2007, 11:42
Automotive Maintenance Procedures



Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
======================================== ==================

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!
 
186sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Feb 27, 2007, 12:29
this one is priceless!!!! lol






HELL AS EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionally as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

This student received the only "A".

 
187TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Feb 27, 2007, 14:13
Can't remember if this one has ever been posted here before:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,
he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"


(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)


(a masterpiece)


The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's
a Rolling Stone."

-------------------------------------------------


It's a curious trick of the mind that most people read the punch line in the
sing-song tempo of the original "This Old Man" song you learned as a kid.
 
188wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Tue, Mar 06, 2007, 14:31
THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Bill was driving home from one of his business
trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly
Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped
the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Bill tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old
man just sat silently, looking intently at
everything he saw, studying every little detail,
until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Bill.

"What in bag?" asked the old man.

Bill looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
he said: "Good trade."
 
189sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Mar 28, 2007, 10:54
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....
"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"
 
190katietx
      ID: 3810431417
      Wed, Mar 28, 2007, 13:27
that was disgusting!
 
191sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Mar 28, 2007, 19:44
A wealthy man had been having an affair with an Italian woman for
several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If
she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write
"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white
and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with
meatballs, one without.
 
192sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Mar 29, 2007, 14:02
After a long night of making love to his new girlfriend, Fred
notices a photo of a man on her bedside table.

At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never
mentioned it so why should he.



But after a month or so he begins to stress about it; even imagining
the photo is staring at him doing the deed.



It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about
it.



"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.



"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.


"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.



"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.



"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.



"No, no, no!!!" she answers.



"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

















"That's me before the surgery
 
193Motley Crue
      Dude
      ID: 439372011
      Fri, Mar 30, 2007, 17:39
If you haven't seen either the film 300 or one of it's commercials yet, watch this trailer first.

Then have a look at this website.
 
194sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Apr 03, 2007, 14:56
one for the ladies out there.....


Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something
is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb
all the way up to the top of the tree.

Now men ... men are like fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
 
195katietx
      ID: 3810431417
      Wed, Apr 04, 2007, 19:50
The Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" He said, "No".

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping and dancing, she went to the shows, adopted lots of pets, drank martinis and wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook,
she got laid if she pleased, and farted whenever she wanted.

The end.
 
196louky
      ID: 1326296
      Thu, Apr 05, 2007, 03:11
Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in wet and wild, and take your house and car when they leave
 
197Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Sat, Apr 07, 2007, 21:49
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama
Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona
Yes, But It's A Dry Heat.

Arkansas
Literacy Ain't Everythang.

California
By 30, Our Women Have More
Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut
Like Massachusetts , Only Smaller.

Delaware
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida
Ask Us About Our Grand Kids
And Our Voting Skills.

Georgia
We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho
More Than Just Potatoes.
Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good.

Illinois
Please, Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky
Five Million People;
Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It.

Massachusetts
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt.

Michigan
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians.

Minnesota
10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes.

Mississippi
Come Visit And Feel Better About Your Own State.

Missouri
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work.

Montana
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections.

Nebraska
Ask About Our State Motto Contest.

Nevada
Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire
Go Away And Leave Us Alone.

New Jersey
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico
Lizards Make Excellent Pets.

New York
You Have The Right To Remain Silent,
You Have The Right To An Attorney,
And No Right To Self Defense!

North Carolina
Tobacco Is A Vegetable.

North Dakota
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio
At Least We're Not Michigan.

Oklahoma
Like The Play, But No Singing.

Oregon
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner.

Pennsylvania
Cook With Coal.

Rhode Island
We're Not REALLY An Island.

South Carolina
Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender, Yet!

South Dakota
Closer Than North Dakota.

Tennessee
Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum.

Texas
Se Hable Ingles.

Utah
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus.

Vermont
Too liberal for the Kennedys.

Virginia
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington
Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!

West Virginia
One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin
Come Cut the Cheese!

Wyoming
Home of Brokeback Mounain. Where Men are Men and the Sheep are Scared.

The District of Columbia
The Work-Free Drug Place.
 
198sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Mon, Apr 09, 2007, 21:07
No Child Left Behind

In response to President Bush's Federal "No Child Left Behind Act"
(NCLB), it is proposed that students will have to pass a test to be
promoted to the next grade level. In the hope that this proposal will
be uniformly adopted by all of the states, the new test will be called
the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test, or F.A.R.T.

All students who cannot pass a FART in the second grade will be retested
in Grades 3, 4, and 5 until they are capable of passing a FART with a
score of 80%. If a student does not successfully pass a FART by grade 5,
that student shall be placed in a separate English program known as the
Special Mastery Elective for Learning Language, or S.M.E.L.L.

If, with this increased SMELL program, the student still cannot pass the
required FART test, he or she can still graduate to middle school by
taking another one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and
Arithmetic Preparation, or C.R.A.P.

If by age fourteen the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she
can earn promotion in an intensive one-week seminar known as the
Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students, or
P.R.U.N.E.S.

It is the opinion of the Department of Instruction for Public Schools
(D.I.P.S.) that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to
FART, SMELL, or CRAP.

This revised provision of the student component of the House Bill 101
should help "clear the air" as part of the "No School Left Standing"
Act.
 
199sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Mon, Apr 09, 2007, 21:12
It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities.
Now after many years of "original and proprietary" research we are proud to present the following results.

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories
He Actually Found the G-Spot........... 186 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................ 12 Calories
69 lying down......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up........................ 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow........................... 216 Calories
Doggy Style........................... 326 Calories
Ceiling Fan........................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real.................................. 112 Calories
False................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Cleaning Up............................ 24 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed
immediately............................ 816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old............ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending

GETTING DRESSED AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................ 32 Calories
In a hurry............................ 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door.. 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door... 3521 Calories
 
200Punk42AE
      Donor
      ID: 036635522
      Mon, Apr 09, 2007, 21:21
Great Sarge!
 
201sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Apr 10, 2007, 18:06
An old couple was sitting around one evening and he says to his wife,Sarah, now that we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary, tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?

She hesitated a while and said, yes, 3 times?

How did it happen?

Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house? That was the first time.

Yes, that was really a terrible time.

Remember when I went to see the banker and the next day they extended our loan?

It's hard to believe, he said, but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. And the second time?

Do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the operation?

Yes.

Well, do you remember that right after I went to see the doctor he did your operation at no cost?

Yes, he said. That shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. And how about the third time?

She said: Do you remember when you ran for golf club captain and needed 93 more votes?
 
202louky
      ID: 1326296
      Thu, Apr 12, 2007, 02:08
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple more holes before leaving for the hospital.

He ended up playing all 18 holes, finishing his round shooting a personal best of 61, and shattering the club record by 5 shots. He was jubilant... then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you?"

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there for the past 4 hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care. And you will be the care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said "Just messin with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
 
203TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Apr 12, 2007, 02:15
That is so bad and yet so funny.
 
204sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Apr 12, 2007, 10:33
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
 
205sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Apr 12, 2007, 15:43
some medical *ahem*...advice:


HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"
 
206sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Mon, Apr 16, 2007, 11:36
When the new school year started the history teacher was so excited because there were three little Indian boys in her class. She was beside herself with excitement. So she asks the first little Indian boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he was from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice ” I am a Cherokee. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Cherokee land. So, I know I am a Cherokee.”

The teacher says very good and asks the next little Indian boy to stand.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice ” I am a Comanche. My Father and I walked for many moons and one day my Father says son, you see all this land. This is Comanche land. So, I know I am a Comanche.”

The teacher is growing more excited by the moment and asks the last little Indian boy to stand up.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest & takes his fist and hits it on his chest. He says in a booming voice ” I am a F**kawee”.
The teacher looks dumb founded & says “I don’t think there is any such tribe as the Fu**awee.”

The little boy says, “My Father & I walked for many days and many nights, and many nights and many days. We ran out of water, but we kept walking. With no rest, we were getting weary. Finally, one day my Father stops and with his hand to shield the sun from his eyes, looks around. “He said hummmm, where the F**kawee
 
207Weykool
      Leader
      ID: 41750315
      Sat, Apr 21, 2007, 11:43
What is the difference between Boogers and Brocolli?


Kids wont eat Brocolli.
 
208katietx
      ID: 323472012
      Fri, Apr 27, 2007, 14:50
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER

You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.

Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.

A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.

A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.

A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.

An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.

A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.

A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

 
209sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, May 01, 2007, 14:57
NEW YORK- A public school teacher was arrested today at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us", Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isos Celes used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
 
210RebelFan42
      ID: 0242323
      Fri, May 04, 2007, 22:19
One foggy night, a Yankees fan was heading north from New York and a Red Sox
fan was driving south from Boston. While crossing a narrow bridge they hit
each other head-on, mangling both cars.
The Yankees fan manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He
looks at his twisted car and says, 'Man, I am lucky to be alive.' Likewise,
the Red Sox fan gets out of his car uninjured, feeling equally fortunate to
have survived.

The Yankees fan walks over to the Red Sox fan and says 'Hey man, I think this
is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends
instead of being rivals.' The Red Sox fan thinks for a moment and says, 'You
know, you're right. We should be
friends. In fact, I'm going to see if something else survived the wreck.' The
Red Sox fan then pops his trunk open and removes a full, undamaged bottle of
Jack Daniels. He says to the Yankees fan, 'I think this is another sign - we
should toast to our newfound friendship'. The Yankees fan agrees and grabs the
bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, he hands it back to the Red Sox
fan and says 'your turn.' The Red Sox fan calmly twists the cap back on the
bottle, throws it over the bridge into the river and says,
'Nah, I think I'll just wait for the cops to show up.'
 
211sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, May 05, 2007, 12:06
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.






There are 2 clones, one of the clones is real nice and well mannered, while the other one is real nasty and mean and always says bad words. So one day the 'good' clone pushes the 'bad' clone off the roof of a building.

The next day the police came to his house and arrest him for making an "obscene clone fall"!
 
212RecycledSpinalFluid
      Dude
      ID: 204401122
      Wed, May 09, 2007, 11:33
Math Knowledge

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public.

One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate; the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic. "Ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do."

He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one-third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one-third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check.

The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."
 
213Razor
      ID: 2107611
      Wed, May 09, 2007, 11:57
Nice...geek humor.

I sometimes ask my friends to ask me to do derivatives or integrals when I'm drunk to prove how not drunk I am, but I guess by asking at all, I am proving my drunkness.
 
214C1-NRB
      ID: 5932328
      Wed, May 09, 2007, 13:18
Ancedotal postulate to 212:
I had friend in college who's 18 month old nephew was a "mathematical genius." His dad taught him to answer the question, "What's the square root of 225?"

Whenever they were around someone who didn't know the "trick" he'd ask him, "Hey Bobby, what's the square root of 225?" Little Bobby, without missing a beat or looking up from whatever he was doing would answer "Fifteen!"

It was a great trick until someone asked a follow-up question like "What's the cube root of 81?" and got the response, "Fifteen!"

Little Bobby was cueing on tone and rhythm of the question, not the words or their meaning.

I played the same game with my oldest. At about 12 months old, all colors were "Purple!" because "Purple!" (Sometimes Purkle) was fun to say. One time the kid was messing with a bunch of blocks and talking to them. The vice principal of the middle school was watching and commented about how smart and articulate the kid was. I said, "Yeah, Mom and I try." About that time a purple block is picked up so I say, "Hey, what color is that block?" Of course, it's "Purple!"

His jaw about hit the floor. He grabs something yellow and says, "What color is this?" Kid looks, cocks head to the side and answers with all confidence, "Purple!"

I hit the floor laughing.
 
215sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, May 10, 2007, 12:18
Because I Am a Man.
_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I
will fiddle with a coat hanger long after
hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win
_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very
well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as
if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows
up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix t hese things, but now with all these
computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need
someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I
lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase
basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I
cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin"
or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops
working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much
once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.
_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote
control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing
has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking
for it, though one time I was able to survive by
holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers
only)
_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what
I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either
sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up
something else when you ask, so just don't ask.
_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I
liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at
the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling
amorous afterwards. . then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is
fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes
ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not
make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and
potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is
fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year
2007, I will share equally in the housework. You
just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the
vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer,
wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to
better understand men.
 
216wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Fri, May 11, 2007, 09:45
A professor is studying porpoises for years, examining their mating habits. He discovers that they get very excited when around mynah birds. So, he studies for years on the effect of having mynah birds around porpoises.

Then, disaster strikes. The mynahs die. The porpoises are depressed and refuse to mate. The problem is that mynahs are protected and can no longer be exported from their native land. So, the professor heads up an expedition to gather up some mynahs to bring back for his studies.

After days of walking, his expedition falters when the group comes to a state animal preserve. The guide tells the professor that the bearers cannot go further since it is state land. So, the professor has to go on alone.Luckily, he doesn't have to go far when he spies several mynah birds.

Unfortunately, right in front of the birds are two huge lions. However, they are both sound asleep. He decides to chance it and quietly walks past them and gathers up several birds.

As he leaves, he walks past the sleeping lions, but, is immediately arrested.
Why, you might ask? Well, because crossing state lions with mynahs for immoral porpoises is against the law.

 
218weykool
      ID: 34350285
      Tue, May 15, 2007, 21:50
Joe was an easy going fellow, a man of few words but very likeable.
Joe loved to fish and he was very good at it.
Not only did Joe always catch his limit but he always caught the biggest and best fish.
He held the record for the largest fish caught at the local lake and had broken his own record several times over the past few years.
The local park ranger was also an avid fisherman and had been trying for years to find out what was Joe's secret.
Was it a special lure?
Did he use some newly discovered live bait?
"I know you have a secret fishing hole that nobody else knows about.
Joe was always polite but answered "no", "not exactly", or "not really".
After one particularly long pleading session Joe finally relented and told the ranger to meet him at the boat launch at 4 AM the next day and they would go fishing together.
The ranger met Joe at the docks promply at 4 AM and he and Joe set off.
The anticipation the ranger had for finally finding out Joe's secret was almost more than he could bear.
A half hour later Joe pulled the boat into a secluded cove and cut the engine.
Joe reached into his tackle box and pulled out a bundle of several dynomite sticks, lights the fuse, and throws it into the lake.

KABOOM!!!!!!

There is a huge explosion and within seconds there are all kinds of fish floating up to the surface of the lake.
Joe sets about with his net scooping up only the biggest and best fish.
The ranger is momentarily stunned but finally composes himself and launches into a tirade.
"I cant believe I just saw what I saw".
"Do you know how many laws you just broke"?
"This in an outrage".
"When the authorities hear about this you are going to be in serious trouble".
The ranger went on and on with his ranting.
Meanwhile Joe went about collecting his fish.
Finally Joe had enough.
He quietly reaches in to his box and takes out another bundle of dynomite, lites the fuse and tosses it into the rangers lap and quitely says,
"Did you come out here to talk, or are you gonna fish"?
 
219sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Thu, May 17, 2007, 08:52
A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to
see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work." The daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Justin loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "Every time he sees
me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for
hours.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put
on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?"
 
220sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, May 19, 2007, 11:05
Cultural Differences

The story begins on a handful of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
 
221Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Sat, May 19, 2007, 18:06
ZEN SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
In fact, just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women; neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
 
222katietx
      ID: 11430613
      Sat, May 19, 2007, 18:54
These are definitely words to live by:

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


 
223sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Tue, May 22, 2007, 16:34
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is
important
to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events
are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And,upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women....
 
224sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, May 23, 2007, 10:58
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both." "Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God??"

 
225sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, May 24, 2007, 13:26
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

Two days later the doorbell rang. She opened the door, and much to her dismay, there sat a gray-haired gentleman in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

"Are ! you responding to my ad?" the woman asked. "You're not really
asking me to consider you, are you?"

"Yes, I am," the man replied.

The old lady sneered: "Just look at you. You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled and said: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms, either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled, and softly replied: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"


The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the
doorbell, didn't I?"




The wedding is set for Saturday.

 
226Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Thu, May 24, 2007, 19:15
Southern lore...

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings.



A group of Arkansas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Pat?" the others asked.." Pat had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."You left Pat laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Pat!"



A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? "

The young man answered, “couldn't tell, but I got the license number."



A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"



A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

 
227sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, May 25, 2007, 10:32
Having trouble figuring out where to put your new employees? Try this:

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
 
228Ref
      Donor
      ID: 539581218
      Sun, May 27, 2007, 23:27
Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in
gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
 
229sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, May 29, 2007, 15:30
Subject: Best pick-up line ever
>
> A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
> woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a
> moment.
>
>
>
> The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
>
>
>
> "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and
I was just
> testing it."
>
>
>
> The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's
so special
> about it?"
>
>
>
> The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
>
>
>
> The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
>
>
>
> Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
>
>
>
> The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing
> panties!"
>
>
>
> The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour
fast."
 
230sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Tue, May 29, 2007, 22:20
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a
>
>McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!
>
>(editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)
>
>NAME: Greg Bulmash
>
>DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's
>
>available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
>
>be applying here in the first place.
>
>DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and
>
>a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not
>
>possible make an offer and we can haggle.
>
>EDUCATION: Yes.
>
>LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
>
>SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
>
>MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of
>
>stolen pens and post-it notes.
>
>REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
>
>HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
>
>PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday,
>
>and Thursday.
>
>DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better
>
>suited to a more intimate environment.
>
>MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
>
>would I be here?
>
>DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
>
>YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
>
>DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
>
>question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
>
>HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I
>
>may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
>
>Sweepstakes.
>
>DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
>
>WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living
>
>in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who
>
>thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually,
>
>I'd like to be doing that now.
>
>DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE
>
>BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
>
>No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
>
>EMERGENCY CONTACT: Hospital
>
>EMERGENCY CONTACT PHONE: 911 of course
>
>SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
 
231sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Tue, May 29, 2007, 22:25
Cuckoo Clock
>
>Here' why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!..
>The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I
told my
>husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
>
> Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
>
>Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
>the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
>realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed 9 times. I was
>really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in
>order to escape a possible conflict with him.
>Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
>MIDNITE!)
>
>The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
>Midnight". He didn't seem to be teed off at all. Whew!! Got away with
that
>one!
>
>Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
>When I asked him "why?" , he said, "Well, last night our clock
cuckooed
>three times, then said, "Oh. ****.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared
it's
>throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
>tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 
232sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Jun 01, 2007, 11:39
WHY IT'S IMPORTANT TO UNDERSTAND ENGLISH





When I got back from vacation last month I had a bunch of Canadian Dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line, just one guy in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated!


He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla of yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"


The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, “Fluctuations."


The Asian guy said, “Fluc you white people too!"
 
233sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Jun 01, 2007, 14:25
On the first day, God created the dog and said:"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...
 
234sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Jun 01, 2007, 18:19
An engineer dies and goes to hell. He doesn't like the conditions, and soon he has things worked out so hell has fire suppression systems, escalators, air-conditioning, running water, etc.....
One day, God pops by to gloat at the Devil for a bit. But when he sees all the improvements he stomps over to the Devil's office and says. "Hey! How did you get all these nice things down here in hell?"
And the Devil explains how he got this handy engineer fellow, who fixed the place up.
To which God replies, "I see. There must have been a mistake. All engineers are supposed to go to heaven. You'll have to hand him over to me."
The Devil scoffs and says, "No way! We like how he works. I'm keeping him down here with us."
God then says, "Oh yeah?! If you don't give him to me...... I'll sue!"
At which point the Devil sits back and smiles, saying, "Yeah? And where are you gonna find a lawyer?"
 
235sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Jun 08, 2007, 14:50
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?









“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”
 
236sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Jun 13, 2007, 18:26
Knowing American History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "Im gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, Ill kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, were in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
 
237sarge33rd
      ID: 76442923
      Wed, Jun 13, 2007, 21:30
BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE SEASON!!!


A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster." He takes her hand And says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, And Then.....", he said with a deep sigh, "and then ...".. .. "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
 
238RecycledSpinalFluid
      Dude
      ID: 204401122
      Thu, Jun 14, 2007, 12:46
Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

 
239weykool
      ID: 34350285
      Thu, Jun 14, 2007, 22:50
Follow up blond joke.

While having lunch she excitedly call her husband over to say there was a secret message in her alphabet soup.
Her husband asked what was the message?
She replied "OOOOOOOO".
Shut up and eat your spagetti-o's
 
240katietx
      ID: 25520216
      Fri, Jul 06, 2007, 08:55
Hillary and the Cowboy
.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.

'You know,' she says, 'I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk.'

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, 'Well I s'pose that'd be all right, m'am. What'd ya like to discuss?'

'Oh, I don't know,' says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. 'How about Iraq?'

'Hmm,' says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?'

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, 'I haven't the slightest idea.'

'So tell me, then,' says the cowboy with a smile. 'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh##?'


 
241Perm Dude
      ID: 1660610
      Fri, Jul 06, 2007, 13:48
#134!
 
242katietx
      ID: 25520216
      Sat, Jul 07, 2007, 06:41
pardon my ignorance in not remembering the crap sarge has said, or reading the entire thread before posting a joke.
 
243sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, Jul 07, 2007, 10:15
The monkey story (company policy, organizational development, group behaviour, group beliefs, inertia and assumptions)

Start with a cage containing five monkeys.

Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the monkeys are sprayed with cold water.

Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs.

To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.

The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original monkey with a new one.

The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four monkeys that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, all the monkeys that have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs.

Why not?

Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been around here.

And that's how company policy begins ...




DPs "secret" slogan. (taught at DP School)

"We're not happy, until you're not happy."






DP = Dealer Principle; owner of the dealership
 
244Perm Dude
      ID: 1463679
      Sat, Jul 07, 2007, 10:36
Hey, katie, I wasn't calling you out or anything. It is a little ironic, that's all.
 
245Skidazl
      ID: 189142212
      Sun, Jul 08, 2007, 00:51
I found it funnier with Clinton as the Butt of the joke...

Which, BTW, do you know why there is no Halloween OR Thanksgiving in Arkansas?
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
Because the Witch left and took the Turkey with her. I know it's old but it's still funny to me.
 
246katietx
      ID: 25520216
      Sun, Jul 08, 2007, 22:55
Universal Laws:

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
 
247wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Fri, Jul 13, 2007, 13:29
Cardiologists funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge
heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral.........

I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.
 
248Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Fri, Aug 10, 2007, 19:18
Telephone Problems

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that, on the few,occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog, or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found the following:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning, and then urinate.
5. The wet ground completed the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring,...

... which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
 
249ChicagoTRS
      ID: 4110481415
      Mon, Aug 13, 2007, 14:52
optical illusion



Which way is she spinning...can you make her change directions?
 
250RecycledSpinalFluid
      Dude
      ID: 204401122
      Mon, Aug 13, 2007, 15:41
Some "fun stuff" I noticed the other day is the spelling of this thread's title.
 
251TB
      ID: 53633209
      Mon, Aug 13, 2007, 20:35
LOL, whatever. Someone edited that. It was a copy and paste job.
 
252Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 12:26
My parents always told me when I was young that I could become anything I want to in life.

I just don't remember choosing...A balding fat man that relies on a bunch of prescribed pills to keep me almost semi-healthy!!

Maybe I should have done the illegal drugs and taken up smoking! Nah! I can honestly say that when I hack up a cough now, I'm just choking to death!
 
253TB
      ID: 53633209
      Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 18:37
I've tried looking at that optical illusion blurry-eyed, squinty-eyed, after 6 beers-eyed, but only see her spinning clockwise. Her shadow is jacked up and doesn't follow along correctly, but if I'm supposed to see CC from that I'm missing it.

Good Suff, though.

;)
 
254Uptown Bombers
      ID: 325212517
      Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 19:14
That thing creeps me out. I've seen it spin both ways, but worse yet, my roommate and I watched it at the same time and it was spinning in opposite directions for the two of us. Creepy dude, creepy.
 
255TB
      ID: 53633209
      Tue, Aug 14, 2007, 21:17
I finally got it to go the other way and you're right, it is wierd. I had to look above it and imagine it going the other way. Then when I was looking at it I couldn't get it to change back. I had to look above it again too get it going the other way. Very cool.
 
256ChicagoTRS
      ID: 4110481415
      Wed, Aug 15, 2007, 10:08
I have found the easiest way to trick your mind into seeing it spin opposite is to use your hand to cover the body except the legs and then when the leg gets to the point it should go behind the body it will "switch" directions. Then move your hand and you should see the entire body going the other way. It is a very cool illusion...it is so good a lot of people do not even believe it and think the graphics are somehow actually switching directions. But it is 100% optical illusion.
 
257C1-NRB
      ID: 5932328
      Wed, Aug 15, 2007, 10:16
I switched it yesterday, but couldn't figure out how I did it. That really messed me up.

Too many minutes later I realized that if you concentrate on the reflected foot and think about it being either in front of or behind the body when it's being reflected (depending on which way you want the body to spin) it will appear to move that direction.
 
258Skidazl
      ID: 189142212
      Wed, Aug 15, 2007, 18:00
reflected foot seems to work for me, weird...
 
259Khahan
      ID: 486552412
      Wed, Aug 15, 2007, 19:09
I only saw her spinning clockwise. But I did notice the silouhette has a nice set of nips on the profile shot.
 
260wolfer
      ID: 146253121
      Wed, Aug 15, 2007, 23:05
A guy is stranded on a deserted island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, it’s not a ship.

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks it’s not a boat.

The speck gets even closer and he thinks it’s not a raft.

Then out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!” He says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over and unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow that tastes fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you had some REAL fun?”

The man gets a great big smile on his face and says to her, “My God!" Don’t tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there!”
 
261Razor
      ID: 136523110
      Thu, Aug 16, 2007, 16:31
That silhouette is trippy. Reflected foot definitely works. Scroll your browser so that you can only see the shadow and not the foot just above it. It's a lot easier to flip it that way. Then slowly inch up. It took me a few times, but I got it. Blink and then it's back the other way.
 
262sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Aug 17, 2007, 16:24
latest Winblows message
 
263sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Aug 17, 2007, 17:38
Ever wonder about that dot on the forehead of Hindu women? Well...wonder no more:





For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.
 
264wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Thu, Aug 23, 2007, 11:19
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room- spinning medicine.

12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!

18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
 
265wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Mon, Aug 27, 2007, 12:05
5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home? "The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
 
266TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Tue, Aug 28, 2007, 04:48
Good one. Best in a while...lol
 
267wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Wed, Sep 05, 2007, 09:59
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
 
268TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Sep 13, 2007, 22:13
Q - How do you fix a torn pumpkin?

A - With a pumpkin patch.
 
269TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Sep 13, 2007, 22:17
Q - What room can you never enter?

A - A mushroom.
 
270TB
      Sherpa
      ID: 031811922
      Thu, Sep 13, 2007, 22:40
Q - What kind of rocks are at the bottom of the Colorado river?





A - Wet rocks.
 
271sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Sep 20, 2007, 14:43
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:
>>
>> I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about
>> rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel
>> with every envelope that needs sealing.
>>
>> Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open
>> for the same reason.
>>
>> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick
>> girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
>> 1,387,258th time.
>>
>> I no longer have any money at all, but that will change
>> once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending
>> me for participating in their special e-mail program.
>>
>> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
>> angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every
>> wish.
>>
>> I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
>> horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>>
>> I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
>> smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>>
>> Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get
>> answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish
>> within five minutes.
>>
>> Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola
>> because it can remove toilet stains.
>>
>> I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along
>> to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
>> pumping gas.
>>
>> I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
>> who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on
>> their cans.
>>
>> I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
>> causes cancer.
>>
>> And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water
>> in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
>> face...disfiguring me for life.
>>
>> I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
>> I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>>
>> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
>> drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>>
>> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since
>> they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
>>
>> I no longer shop at Target since they are French and
>> don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
>>
>> I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me
>> to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica
>> , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan
>>
>> I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
>> once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
>>
>> I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
>> since I now have their recipe.
>>
>> Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine
>> because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me
>> instant death when it bites my butt.
>>
>> Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has
>> given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix
>> everything
>>
>> And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up
>> $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there
>> by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
>>
>> Oh, and don't forget this one either!
>>
>> I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas
>> from certain gas companies!
>>
>> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people
>> in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
>> head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest
>> your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
>> because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
>> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
>>
>> Have a wonderful day....AND
>>
>> A scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
>> discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
>> their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>>
>> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
 
272Khahan
      ID: 486552412
      Thu, Sep 20, 2007, 18:07

>> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 47,000 people
>> in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your
>> head at 5:47 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest
>> your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur
>> because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
>> ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


This is so untrue. I only had 43.5 mins and it was a crow with diarrhea, not a dove.
 
273sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Sep 25, 2007, 18:54
Subject: A Happy Couples Story


A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back." "Where are
you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."




"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SH*T! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SH*T IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? --

MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP, SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !!
 
274wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Wed, Sep 26, 2007, 11:27
Speaking of love....

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One
day while they were walking past the hospital swimming
pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to
the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic
act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?"
 
275sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Oct 05, 2007, 18:53
from another forum; (meaning...I've no idea as to the truth of the tale):


This was recently in the Seattle Paper......... The title of the
article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his pu rpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's
for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's
just banging away at this pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to
describe what happened when she approached Aylor. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you'r e having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then
he looked me straight in the face and said..... "A pumpkin? .....
Damn...is it midnight already!?!"

 
276sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Oct 09, 2007, 15:41
----- NEW ELEMENT FOUND

The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof
of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research
institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet
known to science.

The new element has been named *Governmentium*.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy
neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like
particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause
a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take over
four days to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4
years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange
places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over
time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium
becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons
 
277wolfer
      ID: 69331119
      Thu, Oct 11, 2007, 21:56
A Catholic Confession




> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went
> to the local church for confession.
> When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
> "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door
> and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
>
> The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son!
> And you have no need to confess that."
>
> "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
> favors every day and twice on weekends."
>
> The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger.
> However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to
> act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are
> indeed forgiven."
>
> "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one
> more question."
>
> "And what is that?" asked the priest.
>
> "Should I tell her the war is over?"
 
278sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Oct 16, 2007, 15:02
A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a Halloween party. The
wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her
husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

Her husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life".
 
279wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Fri, Oct 19, 2007, 15:00
The latest Bill and Hillary joke:


When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, 'I
>>
>> am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
never
>> >> to look in it'
>>
>>
>> >> In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary
never
>> >> looked. On the afternoon of their 30th
anniversary,
>> >> curiosity got the best of her and she
lifted the lid
>> >> and peeked inside. In the box was 3
empty beer cans
>> >> and $81,874.25 in
cash.
>> >>
>> >> She closed the box
and put it back under the bed. Now
>> >> that she knew
what was in the box, she was doubly
>> >> curious as to
why there even was such a box with such
>> >> contents.
That evening, they were out for a special
>> >>
anniversary dinner.
>> >>
>> >>
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her
>> >>
curiosity and she confessed, saying, 'I am so sorry,
>>
>> Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and
never
>> >> looked into the box under our bed. However,
today the
>> >> temptation was too much and I gave in.
But now I need
>> >> to know, why do you keep the 3 beer
cans in the box?'
>> >>
>> >> Bill
thought for a while and said, 'I guess after all
>> >>
these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I
>>
>> was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in
the
>> >> box under the bed to remind myself not to do
it
>> >> again.'
>>
>>
>> >> Hillary was shocked, but said, 'Hmmm,
Jennifer, Paula
>> >> and Monica. I am very disappointed
and saddened by
>> >> your behavior. However, since you
are addicted to sex
>> >> I guess it does happen and I
guess 3 times is not that
>> >> bad considering your
problem.'
>> >>
>> >> Bill thanked
her for being so understanding. They
>> >> hugged and
made their peace. A little while later
>> >> Hillary
asked Bill, 'So why do you have all that money
>> >> in
the box?'
>> >> Bill answered: 'Well, whenever the box
filled up with
>> >> empty cans, I took them to the
recycling center and
>> >> redeemed them for
cash.'
>>
>>
 
280sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Oct 19, 2007, 17:15
6TH GRADE SCIENCE


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"


No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.


Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"


Little Mary's mouth fell open, then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"


The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"


Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."


Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you:


One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework, and

Three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.
 
281wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Thu, Oct 25, 2007, 11:00
I don't think that this was posted:

A Plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, And things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the Plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Texas stood up in the Rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as He went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, He Spoke...

"Iron this--and then get me a beer."
 
282wolfer
      ID: 69331119
      Tue, Oct 30, 2007, 19:57
Subject: Never Never be late




A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the
parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He
was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they
waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were
not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and
loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to
go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE
 
283The Beezer
      Dude
      ID: 191202817
      Tue, Oct 30, 2007, 21:33
You're on a roll, guys. Great stuff!
 
284wolfer
      ID: 69331119
      Tue, Oct 30, 2007, 21:43
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the
>> last
>> of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
>>
>> Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the
>> latest
>> episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
>> diarrhea
>> and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
>>
>> In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed
>> sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
>>
>> A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
>> started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get
>> the
>> unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile
>> at
>> his feet.
>>
>> As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
>> sheets,
>> a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had
>> watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
>> on
>> here?"
>>
>> The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out
>> of
>> a ghost."
 
285sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Tue, Nov 06, 2007, 16:50
The Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
286wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Tue, Nov 06, 2007, 16:59
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and
a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a
couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he
now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady
who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to
1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to
that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and
carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and peeded to walk the old girl
home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said," I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,
put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
 
287sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Nov 15, 2007, 12:08
TAKE IT OFF

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. THe sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.
 
288Perm Dude
      ID: 361055149
      Thu, Nov 15, 2007, 12:14
LOL!

philflyboy, is this part of the Herbalife program?

:)
 
289Khahan
      ID: 486552412
      Thu, Nov 15, 2007, 16:01
From my cousin in the Navy:

An Army MSgt, an Air Forces SMSgt and a Navy Chief were
traveling together on their way home on leave.

On the way their car breaks down by a farm in the middle of the
night. They knock on the front door and this big burly man answers the
door. He sees that they are all in the military and invites them in
with
open arms.

He offers them a shower as his wife sets up the dinner table for
them. As they prepare to eat the farmers three daughters come down
stairs and each one is more beautiful then the next.

The farmer says to the boys 'We really appreciate what you do
for our country and as a sign of our gratitude you can sleep with our
daughters tonight'.

The next morning the Master Sgt comes down with a freshly shaved
pressed uniform and buffed boots, shakes the farmer's hand, thanks him
for a wonderful night and goes outside.

His da ughter comes down stairs, make-up on, hair brushed with a
smile on her face.

The Father asks 'So how did it go?'

'Oh daddy, he was so nice, he drank two beers and made love to
me for 1/2 an hour and left me a note with 15 dollars.'

'That's great baby now go take care of your chores.'

The Flyboy comes down, freshly shaved, dress uniform inspection
ready, shakes the man's hand, thanks him for a wonderful night, about
faces and marches out of the house.

The man's daughter comes down stairs looking as beautiful as
ever and her Dad asks 'How was you night darling?' '

'I had an ok time Dad. He drank a six pack of beer, made love to
me for an hour and left me a note with 20 dollars'

'Oh that's great baby now go take care of your chores.'

The Chief walks downstairs, uniform looks like shit, pisscutter
hat cocked sideways with black smears on it, one shoe on, tie hanging
loosely around his neck askew. He kisses the farmer's wif e, winks at
the farmer, and rolls on out the door.

His daughter comes stumbling down stairs a bit later looking
like shit, hair all tussled, make up smeared all over her face and her
dad hesitantly asked how was her night?

'Oh daddy, it was fantastic. He drank a case of beer, made love
to me for hours, drank half a bottle of rum, went in and nailed Mom
while you were snoring, came back in and finished the rum, did me one
more time, borrowed 50 dollars until payday, then split'.
 
290sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Fri, Nov 16, 2007, 10:18
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her
birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved
to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she
deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her
room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so
she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I
would like a red bike for my birthday!

Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started
again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.!

Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a
bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked
around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the
street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down
and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO!
 
291wolfer
      ID: 14982815
      Sun, Nov 18, 2007, 16:30
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful
Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish
waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she
proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt
went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Mary replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

.. . . This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot
 
292wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Mon, Dec 03, 2007, 10:58
A Day at The Track:

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.

Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."
 
293ChicagoTRS
      ID: 344311322
      Sun, Dec 09, 2007, 15:33
This would have been my grandfather to a tee:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the
desk..... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this
room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in
private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of
strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.
 
294sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Sat, Dec 22, 2007, 11:47
I'm sure we've all heard of Pythagorus. The ancient mathametician who proved that A^2+B^2=C^2. Of lesser known fame, is his descedant "Bubba". Bubba, recently released his own mathematical proof:

Theory: To get a good woman, requires time and money.
In equation format, we get: Woman = Time x Money

Proof:

1) Time = Money
2)Woman = money x money
3) Woman = money^2
4) Money = root of all evil
5) money = sq rt of evil
6) money^2 = evil
7) Woman = evil
 
295wolfer
      ID: 14982815
      Thu, Jan 10, 2008, 19:41
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are
Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands
on your clock move." "Oh," said the man. Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's,"
replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never
told a lie."
"Incredible, "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is
that?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincolns' clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in
Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
 
296Perm Dude
      ID: 580161210
      Sat, Jan 12, 2008, 13:17
Good advice.

 
297wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Fri, Feb 01, 2008, 10:21
Dad At The Mall


I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new
shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I
noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors:
green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in
your life?'

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I
would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a
good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in
his response,

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."
 
298wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Thu, Feb 07, 2008, 13:00
Son asked his mother the following question:


"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and

replies,


"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."


The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.


"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"


The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."
 
299wolfer
      ID: 14982815
      Thu, Feb 21, 2008, 21:19
Man robs a bank and takes hostages.


He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the
bank.
The hostage answers, yes.

The robber shoots him dead.


He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob
the bank.
The second hostage says, yes, and the robber
shoots him dead.

The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks
him if he saw him rob the bank.

The third hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."
 
300TB
      ID: 330252313
      Fri, Feb 22, 2008, 02:32
I like the 2nd one.

The first one isn't funny unless you know the original punchline which is more along the lines of, "Son, the dishwasher is always supposed to be the same color as the refridgerator."
 
301wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Thu, Apr 03, 2008, 12:11
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large
plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately,
there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20
bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of your bag…..

" Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady.. "You see, my back yard is right
next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my
flower beds! "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the
bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes!!"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the
way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, .... "not everybody pays."
 
302wolfer
      ID: 24148211
      Wed, Apr 30, 2008, 11:17
College Exam

*At Penn State University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and
all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident
that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have
a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying they
slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to State College until early
Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final, they
would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they
visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they
missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the
next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for
the exam.

The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet.
They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!
Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy ... then
they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?*
 
303sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Wed, Jul 30, 2008, 12:49
THE MONK, THE SOUND, AND THE FURY

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell YOU what it is because you're not a monk.
 
304sarge33rd
      ID: 99331714
      Thu, Jul 31, 2008, 10:11
Baby Planes

A mother and her small son were flying Southwest Airlines from Dallas to Houston. The son (who had been looking out the window),
turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that question?" The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes at Southwest because Southwest always pulls out on time -- now let your mother explain that to you."
 
305Perm Dude
      ID: 35855107
      Wed, Sep 10, 2008, 11:49
OK. this piece from The Onion is kinda stupid, but it did make me LOL.

 
306RecycledSpinalFluid
      Dude
      ID: 204401122
      Tue, Jan 27, 2009, 12:53
Was just emailed this one:

A 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor said, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replied, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor called Harry's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's peeing in the fridge again!"
 
307wolfer
      ID: 25521311
      Fri, Jan 30, 2009, 14:23
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'


The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The wom an is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
 
308Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Tue, Mar 31, 2009, 12:41
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email a ddress, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack…The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
 
309weykool
      ID: 2842717
      Wed, Apr 01, 2009, 13:59
Two nicely dressed women happen to start up a
conversation during an endless wait in the LA airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married
to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered
elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had
any children the California woman started by saying,
"When my first child was born, my husband built a
beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was
born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't
that precious?" *

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my
third child was born, my husband bought me this
exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did
your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the
Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my goodness!
What on earth for?" asked the first woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead
of saying, "Who gives a damn?" I learned to say, "Well,
isn't that precious?"
 
310Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Wed, Apr 01, 2009, 18:08
This link just appeared in my Gmail account:
New! Gmail autopilot

Before you scratch your head too much, recognize what today's date is.
 
311Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Tue, Sep 01, 2009, 17:38
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
 
312wolfer
      ID: 25521311
      Wed, Sep 23, 2009, 12:05
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
 
313sarge33rd
      ID: 541137112
      Tue, Dec 01, 2009, 13:37
What's the difference between a golf ball and an SUV?



Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 350 yards without hitting a tree.
 
314sarge33rd
      ID: 50111656
      Sat, Dec 05, 2009, 07:16
Economic Stimulus

Some time this year, we taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.

If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetable, it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala .

If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1. spending it at yard sales, or

2. going to ball games, or

3.spending it on prostitutes, or

4. beer or

5. tattoos

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute
that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
 
315sarge33rd
      ID: 251125910
      Wed, Dec 09, 2009, 11:25
The Cleveland Browns football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. The head coach immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE.

Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season
 
316Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Wed, Jan 06, 2010, 10:58
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects!
 
317Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Fri, Jan 08, 2010, 09:55
With the winter weather we are all having and spring training around the corner thought I would tell a baseball joke.

Back in the 1930s, at Wrigley field a left fielder had trouble losing baseballs in the ivy on the outfield wall. So before a game in the summer of 1930 he thought he would fix the problem. He placed 3 baseballs in a designated area hidden in the ivy.

2nd inning a ball is hit in the gap and lodges into the ivy. He could not find it so he went to his designated area grabbed a baseball and threw the runner out.

5th inning a hitter hits a ball into the gap and again the outfielder cant find the ball, so he runs to the designated area, but this time instead of grabbing a baseball, he grabs and throws a rabbit that made his home in the ivy. Oh you ask about the runner, he was out by a hare at third.
 
318Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Fri, Jan 08, 2010, 10:01
Another one.

Heaven is going to play hell in a baseball game up in heaven. The manager for heaven was god. The manager for hell was the devil.

So before the game, there was a press conference. God started bragging about all of his players. "I got Ruth, Mathewson,
Gehrig, Clemente, Young, Foxx, all the dead Hall of Famers."

The Devil gets up and says, "Ah, thats nothing, I got the umpires."
 
319wolfer
      ID: 25521311
      Mon, Feb 01, 2010, 08:52
The Frog and Golf



A man goes out golfing.

He is on the second hole when
He notices a frog sitting next to
The green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to
Prove the frog wrong, puts the club
Away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup.
He is shocked. He says to the frog,
"Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, he?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with
Him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!

Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed
The best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."



" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table,

The man asks, "What do you think I
Should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom!
Tons of cash comes sliding back across
The table.


The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you

You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,

"Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a
Gorgeous girl.
"And that


is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God or my name is not Tiger Woods."
 
320Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Thu, Feb 04, 2010, 16:55
Gt this in am email today:

INTERNET WARNING:
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it...



It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
 
321Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Sat, Feb 06, 2010, 12:08
Man: God?
God: Yes?
Man: Can I ask you something?
God: Of course!
Man: What is for you a million of years?
God: A second.
Man: And a million dollars?
God: A penny.
...
Man: God, can you give me a penny?
...
God: Sure, just wait a second.
 
322Perm Dude
      ID: 5510572522
      Wed, Feb 24, 2010, 12:24
Ah, junior high school:

 
323Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Thu, Feb 25, 2010, 08:21
kenny the rooster


Kenny the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first,
giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need
you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer
said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house
and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.

After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough,
Kenny is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up
the
next day,to find Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the
yard, vultures are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace
yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer".
 
324sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Tue, Mar 02, 2010, 20:14
Hey, check out my new keyboard! It's made by Toyotaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
 
325Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Tue, Apr 13, 2010, 20:08
Did you hear about the new OBama value meal at McDonalds?
Order as much as you want and let the person behind you pay for it.
 
326Perm Dude
      ID: 5510572522
      Tue, Apr 13, 2010, 20:24
let's hope the guy in front of you (whose meal you are paying for) didn't order two...
 
327Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Wed, Apr 14, 2010, 05:01
im smart enough to go to the register where there is no line.
 
328Perm Dude
      ID: 5510572522
      Wed, Apr 14, 2010, 11:21
:)
 
329Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Sat, Apr 24, 2010, 07:53
The Pirates lost 2 days ago 20-0. A caller called into our local sports talk show and asked who the losing pitcher was. The host said "all of them."
 
330Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Mon, Apr 26, 2010, 14:38
Life Observations

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the Person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail.What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
 
331Perm Dude
      ID: 5510572522
      Wed, Apr 28, 2010, 15:21
Rick Astley will never:

 
332Khahan
      ID: 373143013
      Wed, May 05, 2010, 13:42
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..

1. A Bible.....?

2. A silver dollar.....?

3. A bottle of whisky.....?

4. And a Playboy magazine.....?

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
Blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
Skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
 
333sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Sun, May 09, 2010, 21:26
What has been seen, can not be unseen
 
334Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Sun, May 16, 2010, 20:20
A red head woman walks into the doctors office.
The Doctor says "whats wrong?"
The Red head woman says "doc when I touch my forhead it hurts. When I touch my chin it hurts. When I touch my chest it hurts. When I touch my thigh it hurts. When I touch my knee it hurts. When I touch my foot it hurts."
The Doc says "You dyed your hair, you are really a blonde arent you?"
The red head woman said "yes how do you know?"
The doc says "because your finger is broken."
 
335Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 7115138
      Sun, May 16, 2010, 20:26
Little Johnnys dad is going to take little Johnny over to the neighbors to see the new baby. Little Johnnys dad said whatever you do dont say anything about the baby having no ears. Little Johnny said ok.
They went over to the neighbors and were looking at the new baby.
Little Johnny asked the parents "how are the babies eyesight?"
The parents said the baby has 20-20 vision.
Little Johnny said thats great because if he needed glasses he would be f%cked.
 
336sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Fri, Jul 23, 2010, 22:47
true or not, this is some SERIOUSLY funny sh*t!!!!

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". It is offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado as an actual class assignment:

A Creative Writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next door to his or her desk.

As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Bill )
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

( Bill )
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missiles entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

( Bill )
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steele novels!"!

(Rebecca)
A$$h@le.

( Bill )
B*tch!

(Rebecca)
F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!

( Bill )
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.


(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.
 
337wolfer
      ID: 43636248
      Sat, Jul 24, 2010, 09:36
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and
asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the
preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started
to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to
discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church, and how much more they could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too
much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
 
338sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Sun, Jul 25, 2010, 01:29
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and
honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get
through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she
was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding
cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car".


**********************************************


I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


****************************************


Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;


I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support.




"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:


I only need ten dollars
to get back to
Mexico
 
339sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Tue, Aug 10, 2010, 14:19
I just read that a Chinese couple had an Albino baby last week.......So apparently, Two Wongs DO make a White.
 
340sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Wed, Aug 11, 2010, 19:21
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane for a major airline, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. That I can recall.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 
341Perm Dude
      ID: 5510572522
      Fri, Oct 22, 2010, 23:57
50 Funniest Jokes of all Time
 
342wolfer
      ID: 253492512
      Sat, Nov 13, 2010, 21:28
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good

looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous

blond in her mid-twenties.



The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one

ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're

history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out

first?



The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun

and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and

begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing

her beautiful naked body.



The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts

licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for

several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.



The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like

that in my life."



He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"



The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there. .
 
343Khahan
      ID: 373143013
      Mon, Nov 15, 2010, 15:10
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.



Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
344¤ Mario LeMoose ¤
      ID: 1110332416
      Wed, Nov 24, 2010, 17:39
20 Steps to Cooking a Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or vodka
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
 
345sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Wed, Dec 08, 2010, 19:02
A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.


Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.


Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'


And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
346sarge33rd
      ID: 280311620
      Tue, Dec 28, 2010, 19:01
Dear Children of the world,

There is no Santa Claus. Those presents, are from your parents.


Love,

Wiki-Leaks
 
347sarge33rd
      ID: 22523010
      Wed, Mar 30, 2011, 11:52
With reports coming out that some of the radiation leaking from the Japanese nuke plants is now being detected in our air and rainwater I thought this was prudent. A friend sent it to me and I checked it out at Snopes to see if it was true--it is.

The best way to see if their is a dangerous level of radiation in your house is to open and unwrap a bag of microwave popcorn and place it on your counter. It it pops you have too much radiation.

 
348sarge33rd
      ID: 372291615
      Fri, May 20, 2011, 18:28
A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.



The ladies are taking their time.





When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu**ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."















One of the men immediately responds: "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 68
 
349Challenger
      ID: 35781513
      Tue, Aug 23, 2011, 23:25
Best quote of the recession so far:
"THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE.

I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY

AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE."

Wish I knew who said this one.
 
350Challenger
      ID: 35781513
      Fri, Aug 26, 2011, 10:44
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
 
351Challenger
      ID: 35781513
      Sun, Aug 28, 2011, 13:52
BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. The USGS however has proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves. Residents of D.C.: don't be alarmed with the Earthquakes. That is just the Country shifting to the RIGHT!
 
352sarge33rd
      ID: 3871912
      Mon, Sep 19, 2011, 20:56
After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama.
 
353sarge33rd
      ID: 38947410
      Tue, Oct 04, 2011, 23:13
The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon there was a guy who asked a girl, "Would you marry me?"

She said, "no", and he lived happily ever after; hunting, drinking, golfing and farting whenever he wanted to.

The End
 
354sarge33rd
      ID: 17109112
      Wed, Nov 02, 2011, 15:08
A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 'I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!! What's the big deal?'
 
355sarge33rd
      ID: 4310132913
      Tue, Nov 29, 2011, 16:29
A female officer, executes an arrest for Public Intoxication. After advising the individual of his "right to remain silent and that anything he says can and will be held against you", she asks if he has anything he wants to say.

To which the drunkard responds, "Boobs".
 
356wolfer
      ID: 50832319
      Wed, Nov 30, 2011, 22:12
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.

God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."

"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."
 
357sarge33rd
      ID: 331156119
      Sun, Dec 11, 2011, 10:56
Mom: Son, get up its time to go to College.

Son: No mom. I dont want to go to College.

Mom: Give me 2 reason why dont u want to go to college.

Son:
1. All students hate me.
2. The whole staff hates me.

Mom: Ooh! Thats not a reason. Come on.U must go to college.

Son: Give me 2 reasons why i should go 2 college.

Mom:
1. U are 57 years old.
2. U are the DEAN of the college........!
 
358Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 311161111
      Sun, Dec 11, 2011, 12:06
What do Obama supporters and christmas lights have in common? Half of them dont work and the ones that do arent very bright.
 
359Perm Dude
      ID: 3210201915
      Sun, Dec 11, 2011, 12:58
Can't wait for the Tea Party Convention. It'll be the largest ever gathering of misspelled signs.
 
360Challenger
      ID: 35781513
      Mon, Dec 12, 2011, 15:58


Twitter
KDonhoops:
NOW he's crossed the line. RT @David_C_Steele: BREAKING: Chris Paul orders a three-piece combo at Popeyes; David Stern voids the deal.
 
361weykool
      ID: 1611471811
      Fri, Dec 23, 2011, 22:21
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know.
I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,
Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?"""
He said,
That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.
 
362Challenger
      ID: 35781513
      Fri, Jan 13, 2012, 03:54
Busy Day at the Office



My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."

 
363Challenger
      ID: 35781513
      Tue, Jan 17, 2012, 16:42
Elk Sex


Two rednecks are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks
have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"

"Aw crap," says his friend, "and I
just joined the American Legion!"
 
364TB
      ID: 451028614
      Wed, Jan 25, 2012, 00:47
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have
time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him."
 
365sarge33rd
      ID: 353491011
      Sat, May 05, 2012, 15:54
Drinking & Driving Warning

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago,
I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident,
which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not
sure where I got it.
 
366Perm Dude
      ID: 3210201915
      Sat, May 05, 2012, 18:49
Listen through the whole thing
 
367sarge33rd
      ID: 12554167
      Thu, Jun 21, 2012, 21:03
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"



With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."
 
368sarge33rd
      ID: 12554167
      Mon, Jul 02, 2012, 02:43
A guy goes into the forest to hunt bears, he sees a brown bear and shoots it. As he's standin he feels a tap on his shoulder, it's a black bear. The black bear says, "That was my cousin you just shot, you've got 2 choices. I ether maul you to death or we have sex!" So the guy realizes his only option is to have sex and he's sore for a week.
Finally he recovers and swears revenge on the black bear so he goes out hunting again. He finds the blackbear and shoots it and kills it! suddently a nother tap on the shoulder, this time it's a grizzly bear! The grizzly bear says, "that was my cousin, either I maul you to death or we have rough sex!" So the guy has sex with the bear and he's sore for a whole month.
He recovers and swears revenge on the Grizzly bear. He goes out to the woods with his gun and finds the bear and kills him.
Then there is another tap on his shoulder and it's a polar bear! The polar bear says to the guy,
"Come on buddy just admit it, you don't come here for the hunting."
 
369sarge33rd
      ID: 12554167
      Mon, Aug 20, 2012, 00:40
 
370Nuclear Gophers
      ID: 29542105
      Fri, Aug 24, 2012, 04:45
Nuclear Gophers: Whats the difference between A Romney supporter and an Obama supporter?
Tree, Sarge, PD, DWetzel: I dunno.
Nuclear Gophers: Romney supporters sign their checks on the front while Obama supporters sign their checks on the back.
 
371sarge33rd
      ID: 12554167
      Sun, Aug 26, 2012, 18:31
you forgot Stephen King, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, et al
 
372astade
      ID: 517342216
      Sun, Aug 26, 2012, 22:49
Lol, good one Nuclear Gophers :)
 
373TB
      ID: 45735270
      Tue, Aug 28, 2012, 16:24
lol
 
374Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Fri, Sep 07, 2012, 10:48
Two medical problems:

Boy, this hits the nail on the head . . .


Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip
Surgery.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet and where medical is much cheaper for animals than care for people

The SECOND is a Person on insurance.

There was a third but I have no insurance so I don't go to the Dr because that's over $100 just for the Dr. to tell me he needs to refer me to a specialist who puts me off because I don't have insurance or the cash up front.
 
375sarge33rd
      ID: 12554167
      Fri, Sep 07, 2012, 13:32
true that Chall....true that.
 
376Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Mon, Oct 29, 2012, 14:11
A blonde was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail' pace.
Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
 
377weykool
      ID: 339121212
      Mon, Nov 19, 2012, 16:37
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home,
and the door was opened by a nine-year-old
boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked
the young man, "Is your mother home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth,
flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What
do you think?"
 
378Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Mon, Nov 26, 2012, 09:59
We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumbasses by the rest of the world that we went to the polls this November and removed all doubt.
 
379Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Sun, Dec 16, 2012, 01:02
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
 
380Khahan
      ID: 39432178
      Tue, Dec 18, 2012, 15:54
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.

The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."
 
381Khahan
      ID: 39432178
      Fri, Dec 21, 2012, 08:58
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in America and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system on it."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was
confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
Ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."

Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”

"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."



 
382Perm Dude
      ID: 201027169
      Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 01:29
 
383weykool
      ID: 54011222
      Fri, Jan 11, 2013, 19:45
Drive Thru Prank
 
384Perm Dude
      ID: 201027169
      Sat, Jan 12, 2013, 21:33

 
385Athletics Guy
      ID: 26741218
      Thu, Jan 17, 2013, 19:13
What NFL players are really saying
 
386Khahan
      ID: 39432178
      Tue, Jan 22, 2013, 09:18
The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop
the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left
the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up,
there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 
387Challenger
      Sustainer
      ID: 481126818
      Sun, Feb 03, 2013, 20:59
Gun Control has already started at Cabela's!

There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD.
 
388Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Tue, Mar 12, 2013, 16:01

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
 
389Guru
      ID: 330592710
      Sat, Jul 06, 2013, 14:04
Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.." That’s where I got the bike. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #7

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
 
390¤ Mario LeMoose ¤
      ID: 1665819
      Mon, Jul 08, 2013, 20:08
Is Romance Dead?

A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

Source
 
391sarge33rd
      ID: 3871221
      Thu, Oct 10, 2013, 11:02
The Laws of Infernal Dynamics

1) An object in motion, will be going in the wrong direction.
2)An object at rest, will be in the wrong place.
3) The energy required to correct the direction or location of said object, will be more than you wish to expend, but not so much as to render the task impossible.
 
392Khahan
      Donor
      ID: 39432178
      Mon, Oct 21, 2013, 16:12
I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, Nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~





MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!
 
393sarge33rd
      ID: 390471112
      Wed, Apr 02, 2014, 13:26
The Difference Between Men and Women:

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Fred.

"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Fred.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says.

"Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.
 
394Challenger
      ID: 12162114
      Thu, Apr 03, 2014, 07:52
Don't leave us hanging!!!!





Did he get the transmission fixed or not?
 
395sarge33rd
      ID: 390471112
      Thu, Apr 03, 2014, 22:27
lmao
 
396sarge33rd
      ID: 390471112
      Sat, Aug 02, 2014, 23:37
SEX AFTER SURGERY

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.
 
397sarge33rd
      ID: 390471112
      Sun, Oct 19, 2014, 03:19
An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said.

The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check.

I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’

‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’

See…….Not All Old Duck Hunters Are Senile!
 
398sarge33rd
      ID: 390471112
      Tue, Feb 17, 2015, 21:45
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."