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Subject: Fun Stuff- Jokes only, Part 2 Posted by: TB - Sherpa [031811922] Sun, Jan 22, 2006, 20:58 The Fun Stuff, Jokes, Links, ETC. thread is getting a bit long so I was thinking about starting two new threads. This one for jokes and another thread for cool links and videos. | |||||||
[Lengthy or complex threads may require a slight delay before updating.] | ||||||||
| 349 | Challenger ID: 35781513 Tue, Aug 23, 2011, 23:25 |
Best quote of the recession so far: "THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE. I'VE LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL HAVE MY WIFE." Wish I knew who said this one. | ||||||
| 350 | Challenger ID: 35781513 Fri, Aug 26, 2011, 10:44 |
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? | ||||||
| 351 | Challenger ID: 35781513 Sun, Aug 28, 2011, 13:52 | BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault". Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continue an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. The USGS however has proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves. Residents of D.C.: don't be alarmed with the Earthquakes. That is just the Country shifting to the RIGHT! | ||||||
| 352 | sarge33rd ID: 3871912 Mon, Sep 19, 2011, 20:56 |
After having their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Arkansas), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arkansan said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Mississippi and Alabama. | ||||||
| 353 | sarge33rd ID: 38947410 Tue, Oct 04, 2011, 23:13 |
The Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale Once upon there was a guy who asked a girl, "Would you marry me?" She said, "no", and he lived happily ever after; hunting, drinking, golfing and farting whenever he wanted to. The End | ||||||
| 354 | sarge33rd ID: 17109112 Wed, Nov 02, 2011, 15:08 |
A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. 'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.' Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?' 'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' 'I'm like.....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!! What's the big deal?' | ||||||
| 355 | sarge33rd ID: 4310132913 Tue, Nov 29, 2011, 16:29 |
A female officer, executes an arrest for Public Intoxication. After advising the individual of his "right to remain silent and that anything he says can and will be held against you", she asks if he has anything he wants to say. To which the drunkard responds, "Boobs". | ||||||
| 356 | wolfer ID: 50832319 Wed, Nov 30, 2011, 22:12 |
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke." | ||||||
| 357 | sarge33rd ID: 331156119 Sun, Dec 11, 2011, 10:56 |
Mom: Son, get up its time to go to College. Son: No mom. I dont want to go to College. Mom: Give me 2 reason why dont u want to go to college. Son: 1. All students hate me. 2. The whole staff hates me. Mom: Ooh! Thats not a reason. Come on.U must go to college. Son: Give me 2 reasons why i should go 2 college. Mom: 1. U are 57 years old. 2. U are the DEAN of the college........! | ||||||
| 358 | Nuclear Gophers ID: 311161111 Sun, Dec 11, 2011, 12:06 | What do Obama supporters and christmas lights have in common? Half of them dont work and the ones that do arent very bright. | ||||||
| 359 | Perm Dude ID: 3210201915 Sun, Dec 11, 2011, 12:58 | Can't wait for the Tea Party Convention. It'll be the largest ever gathering of misspelled signs. | ||||||
| 360 | Challenger ID: 35781513 Mon, Dec 12, 2011, 15:58 |
KDonhoops: NOW he's crossed the line. RT @David_C_Steele: BREAKING: Chris Paul orders a three-piece combo at Popeyes; David Stern voids the deal. | ||||||
| 361 | weykool ID: 1611471811 Fri, Dec 23, 2011, 22:21 |
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled bum.... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?""" He said, That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line. | ||||||
| 362 | Challenger ID: 35781513 Fri, Jan 13, 2012, 03:54 |
Busy Day at the Office My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?" I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped." "Can you do me a favor?" he asked. I said, "Of course, what is it?" He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you." | ||||||
| 363 | Challenger ID: 35781513 Tue, Jan 17, 2012, 16:42 |
Elk Sex Two rednecks are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?" "Aw crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the American Legion!" | ||||||
| 364 | TB ID: 451028614 Wed, Jan 25, 2012, 00:47 |
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!' The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him." | ||||||
| 365 | sarge33rd ID: 353491011 Sat, May 05, 2012, 15:54 |
Drinking & Driving Warning I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it. | ||||||
| 366 | Perm Dude ID: 3210201915 Sat, May 05, 2012, 18:49 | Listen through the whole thing | ||||||
| 367 | sarge33rd ID: 12554167 Thu, Jun 21, 2012, 21:03 |
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..." | ||||||
| 368 | sarge33rd ID: 12554167 Mon, Jul 02, 2012, 02:43 |
A guy goes into the forest to hunt bears, he sees a brown bear and shoots it. As he's standin he feels a tap on his shoulder, it's a black bear. The black bear says, "That was my cousin you just shot, you've got 2 choices. I ether maul you to death or we have sex!" So the guy realizes his only option is to have sex and he's sore for a week. Finally he recovers and swears revenge on the black bear so he goes out hunting again. He finds the blackbear and shoots it and kills it! suddently a nother tap on the shoulder, this time it's a grizzly bear! The grizzly bear says, "that was my cousin, either I maul you to death or we have rough sex!" So the guy has sex with the bear and he's sore for a whole month. He recovers and swears revenge on the Grizzly bear. He goes out to the woods with his gun and finds the bear and kills him. Then there is another tap on his shoulder and it's a polar bear! The polar bear says to the guy, "Come on buddy just admit it, you don't come here for the hunting." | ||||||
| 369 | sarge33rd ID: 12554167 Mon, Aug 20, 2012, 00:40 |
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| 370 | Nuclear Gophers ID: 29542105 Fri, Aug 24, 2012, 04:45 |
Nuclear Gophers: Whats the difference between A Romney supporter and an Obama supporter? Tree, Sarge, PD, DWetzel: I dunno. Nuclear Gophers: Romney supporters sign their checks on the front while Obama supporters sign their checks on the back. | ||||||
| 371 | sarge33rd ID: 12554167 Sun, Aug 26, 2012, 18:31 | you forgot Stephen King, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, et al | ||||||
| 372 | astade ID: 517342216 Sun, Aug 26, 2012, 22:49 | Lol, good one Nuclear Gophers :) | ||||||
| 373 | TB ID: 45735270 Tue, Aug 28, 2012, 16:24 | lol | ||||||
| 374 | Challenger Sustainer ID: 481126818 Fri, Sep 07, 2012, 10:48 |
Two medical problems: Boy, this hits the nail on the head . . . Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require hip Surgery. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then, pending the review board's decision on his age and remaining value to society. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The FIRST is a Golden Retriever taken to a vet and where medical is much cheaper for animals than care for people The SECOND is a Person on insurance. There was a third but I have no insurance so I don't go to the Dr because that's over $100 just for the Dr. to tell me he needs to refer me to a specialist who puts me off because I don't have insurance or the cash up front. | ||||||
| 375 | sarge33rd ID: 12554167 Fri, Sep 07, 2012, 13:32 | true that Chall....true that. | ||||||
| 376 | Challenger Sustainer ID: 481126818 Mon, Oct 29, 2012, 14:11 |
A blonde was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail' pace. Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. | ||||||
| 377 | weykool ID: 339121212 Mon, Nov 19, 2012, 16:37 |
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?" | ||||||
| 378 | Challenger Sustainer ID: 481126818 Mon, Nov 26, 2012, 09:59 | We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumbasses by the rest of the world that we went to the polls this November and removed all doubt. | ||||||
| 379 | Challenger Sustainer ID: 481126818 Sun, Dec 16, 2012, 01:02 |
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow." | ||||||
| 380 | Khahan ID: 39432178 Tue, Dec 18, 2012, 15:54 |
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone. The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares." | ||||||
| 381 | Khahan ID: 39432178 Fri, Dec 21, 2012, 08:58 |
In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me." "Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights." Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed." "I needed a Building Permit." "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system on it." "My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision." "Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it." "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!" "When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space." "Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood." "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew." "The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work." "The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience." "To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species." "So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark." "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky." Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?” "No," said the Lord. " The Government beat me to it." | ||||||
| 382 | Perm Dude ID: 201027169 Wed, Jan 09, 2013, 01:29 |
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| 383 | weykool ID: 54011222 Fri, Jan 11, 2013, 19:45 | Drive Thru Prank | ||||||
| 384 | Perm Dude ID: 201027169 Sat, Jan 12, 2013, 21:33 |
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| 385 | Athletics Guy ID: 26741218 Thu, Jan 17, 2013, 19:13 | What NFL players are really saying | ||||||
| 386 | Khahan ID: 39432178 Tue, Jan 22, 2013, 09:18 |
The Haircut One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. | ||||||
| 387 | Challenger Sustainer ID: 481126818 Sun, Feb 03, 2013, 20:59 |
Gun Control has already started at Cabela's! There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD. | ||||||
| 388 | Guru ID: 330592710 Tue, Mar 12, 2013, 16:01 |
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores. | ||||||
| 389 | Guru ID: 330592710 Sat, Jul 06, 2013, 14:04 |
Understanding Engineers #1 Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.." That’s where I got the bike. The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers #2 To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Understanding Engineers #3 A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" Understanding Engineers #4 What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. Understanding Engineers #5 The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Understanding Engineers #6 Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. Understanding Engineers #7 An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool." | ||||||
| 390 | ¤ Mario LeMoose ¤ ID: 1665819 Mon, Jul 08, 2013, 20:08 |
Is Romance Dead? A middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones. The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend. She texted: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you. The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back: I'm on the toilet. Please advise. Source | ||||||
| 391 | sarge33rd ID: 3871221 Thu, Oct 10, 2013, 11:02 |
The Laws of Infernal Dynamics 1) An object in motion, will be going in the wrong direction. 2)An object at rest, will be in the wrong place. 3) The energy required to correct the direction or location of said object, will be more than you wish to expend, but not so much as to render the task impossible. | ||||||
| 392 | Khahan Donor ID: 39432178 Mon, Oct 21, 2013, 16:12 |
I Just Realized Something: My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, Nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~ MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!! | ||||||
| 393 | sarge33rd ID: 390471112 Wed, Apr 02, 2014, 13:26 |
The Difference Between Men and Women: Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then, there is silence in the car. To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Fred," Martha says aloud. "What?" says Fred, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Fred. "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Fred. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says. "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Fred. "That way about time," says Martha. "Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either. Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women. | ||||||
| 394 | Challenger ID: 12162114 Thu, Apr 03, 2014, 07:52 |
Don't leave us hanging!!!! Did he get the transmission fixed or not? | ||||||
| 395 | sarge33rd ID: 390471112 Thu, Apr 03, 2014, 22:27 | lmao | ||||||
| 396 | sarge33rd ID: 390471112 Sat, Aug 02, 2014, 23:37 |
SEX AFTER SURGERY A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,Anne Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: "Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight. | ||||||
| 397 | sarge33rd ID: 390471112 Sun, Oct 19, 2014, 03:19 |
An older, balding, white haired, duck hunter from Northern Minnesota, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘No, I’d like to see something a little more special.’ At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’ On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, ‘There’s no money in that account.’ ‘I know,’ said the old man, ‘But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!’ See…….Not All Old Duck Hunters Are Senile! | ||||||
| 398 | sarge33rd ID: 390471112 Tue, Feb 17, 2015, 21:45 |
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?" "Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed." | ||||||
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